導言：本博主攜手AI，匠心打造一系列中英雙語的中式【脫口秀】帖子，以幽默為筆鋒，激發年輕一代華人對時政的興趣與思辨。英美主流媒體提供了豐富的優質時政素材，既有時效性，又有客觀依據。歡迎點評與轉發。

 中國又在“警告”了，說自己已經準備好跟美國打“任何類型”的戰爭。

川大大一甩手，把中國貨全給蓋上新關稅，中國這邊立馬“奮起反擊”，對美國大豆花生啥的加個10%到15%的稅，頗有“你打我一拳，我就撓你一下”的英雄氣概。

中國駐美大使館在X上豪情萬丈地發帖：“如果美國非要找茬，關稅戰、貿易戰還是別的什麼戰，我們奉陪到底！”還順手轉了政府聲明里那句特有面子的話。這話說得鏗鏘有力，差點讓人以為他們真要抄傢伙上戰場了。可惜啊，轉頭一看，這不過是川普上台以來，中國喊得最響的一次嗓子罷了。畢竟，這時候北京正忙着開一年一度的人大，領導們齊聚一堂，互相鼓掌，氣氛熱烈得像過年發紅包。

李強總理3月5號站出來宣布，今年國防開支再漲7.2%，不多不少，跟去年一樣，准得像超市打折算賬。他還順帶念了句台詞：“百年未有之大變局正以更快的速度展開。”這話聽着挺玄乎，跟算命先生忽悠人似的，意思大概是“世界亂了，咱們得多個心眼”。與此同時，北京街頭的大屏幕還在循環播放：我們有信心，我們經濟穩得很，哪怕貿易戰打到家門口，咱也能吃飽喝足接着鬥地主。

中國一直忙着給自己刷“和平大國”的標籤，跟美國那“到處點火”的形象比起來，簡直是道德高地上的燈塔。北京指責美國在中東、烏克蘭到處撒野，自己呢，則是“穩定壓倒一切”的代言人。可惜，川普對加拿大、墨西哥這些盟友也下了狠手，人家也被關稅砸得暈頭轉向，中國這時候要是喊得太兇，怕是連新朋友都嚇跑了。於是李強又趕緊補一句：“我們繼續擴大開放，歡迎外資來玩兒！”這話說得跟菜市場攬客似的，熱情得讓人懷疑是不是又要搞什麼“招商引資大躍進”。

中國喊“備戰”也不是頭一回了。去年10月，習近平在台灣附近搞了個軍演，喊着“加強戰備”，那陣仗像是真要干一票大的。可惜，喊口號跟真動手，中間隔着好幾條長城呢。這次大使館在X上放狠話，還不忘翻出外交部前一天的聲明，義正辭嚴地說：“芬太尼問題怪我們？笑話，那是美國找茬的藉口罷了！”外交部發言人更是擺出一副“泰山壓頂不彎腰”的架勢：“恐嚇嚇不倒我們，霸凌也沒用，跟中國玩硬的？門都沒有！”這話聽着挺硬氣，就是不知道鍵盤俠們打完字後，是不是還得回去加班搬磚。

美中關係這齣大戲，永遠是全球頭條的保留節目。X上這貼子轉發量爆棚，估計川普那幫鷹派看了又得拍桌子：“瞧瞧，北京果然是咱們最大的威脅！”可笑的是，川普剛邀請習近平去看他上台耍寶，還吹噓兩人通了個“很棒的電話”，結果上個月約好的第二通電話，又黃了。看來這“友好開端”，也就是嘴上說說，實際還得接着斗。

習近平這邊忙着應付消費低迷、樓市崩盤、年輕人躺平，忙得跟熱鍋上的螞蟻似的。為了救經濟，又是撒錢又是開會，數千名人大代表齊刷刷點頭，像極了自動點讚機。軍費倒是沒含糊，2450億美元，世界第二，可跟美國的數字一比，照樣是“小弟”級別。專家說了，這數字還可能是“低報”的，畢竟謙虛是我們民族的美德嘛。

China’s at it again, “warning” the world it’s ready to fight the U.S. in “any type” of war. Wow, what a flex—like the village loudmouth waving a shovel, yelling, “Who dares mess with me?”—only to turn around and scramble to clean up the mess from Trump’s latest tariff tantrum. The Donald slaps fresh duties on all Chinese imports, and China “strikes back” with a heroic 10% to 15% tax on American soybeans and peanuts. It’s the kind of retaliation that screams, “You punch me, I’ll tickle you back!”

The Chinese embassy in the U.S. took to X with chest-thumping bravado: “If war’s what America wants—tariff war, trade war, or any other kind—we’re ready to fight to the bitter end!” They even retweeted a line from the government’s Tuesday statement for extra swagger. It’s one of the loudest barks China’s let out since Trump took office—almost enough to make you think they’re about to grab pitchforks. But nah, it’s just that time of year when Beijing’s bigwigs gather for the National People’s Congress, clapping for each other like it’s a New Year’s bonus party.

Premier Li Qiang stepped up on Wednesday, March 5, announcing a 7.2% bump in defense spending—same as last year, precise as a discount store receipt. He tossed in a dramatic line: “A once-in-a-century upheaval is unfolding across the world at breakneck speed.” Sounds profound, like a fortune teller spooking the crowd—basically, “Things are messy out there, so keep your eyes peeled.” Meanwhile, Beijing’s propaganda screens are on loop: “We’ve got confidence! Our economy’s rock-solid!”—even if a trade war’s knocking at the door, they’ll still have rice in their bowls and cards on the table.

China’s obsessed with painting itself as the “peaceful nation,” a shining contrast to America, the global arsonist. Beijing loves pointing fingers at the U.S. for stirring up trouble in the Middle East and Ukraine, while they play the “stability above all” card. But here’s the catch: Trump’s also hammering allies like Canada and Mexico with tariffs, leaving them dazed. If China yells too loud, they might scare off potential new buddies. So Li Qiang quickly pivots: “We’re opening wider! Come invest with us!” It’s the kind of pitch you’d hear at a flea market, so eager you’d think they’re about to launch a “Great Leap Forward in Foreign Investment.”

China’s no stranger to shouting “war-ready.” Last October, Xi Jinping flexed with military drills near Taiwan, barking about “battle readiness”—a show so grand you’d think they were about to storm something. Too bad there’s a Great Wall-sized gap between flexing and fighting. This time, the embassy’s X post dug up a Foreign Ministry statement from the day before, indignantly claiming, “Blaming us for fentanyl? That’s just America’s lame excuse to jack up tariffs!” The ministry spokesman struck a defiant pose: “Scare tactics won’t faze us. Bullying? Useless. Pressure, coercion, threats? Wrong way to deal with China!” Bold words—wonder if they typed that while clocking overtime at the factory.

The U.S.-China saga’s still the juiciest soap opera on the planet. That X post’s gone viral, and Trump’s hawkish crew probably can’t wait to wave it around, yelling, “See? Beijing’s our biggest menace!” Funny thing is, Trump just invited Xi to his inauguration circus and bragged about a “great call” they had. Yet last month’s planned follow-up chat? Poof, gone. Guess that “friendly start” is just hot air—they’re back to squabbling.

Xi’s juggling a sluggish economy—consumer spending’s in the gutter, real estate’s a dumpster fire, and the youth are napping on the job. To prop it up, they’re dumping billions into the mess, unveiled with fanfare as thousands of NPC delegates nod like bobbleheads at a rubber-stamp fest. Military budget’s no slouch either—$245 billion, second in the world, though it’s still peanuts next to Uncle Sam’s. Experts say China’s lowballing the real figure—modesty’s a national virtue, after all.