Over Spring Break, I finished a library book called Prisoner of Trebekistan. It was a pretty enjoyable read, maybe more so because I am a huge Jeopardy fan. But in it, the author, Bob Harris, talks a lot about memory devices that he used while studying for the game show. His studying led him to the conclusion that things and events that make an outrageous or hilarious impression last the longest in memory. And it seems to have worked well for him.

So it really got me to thinking what sorts of humorous things I could do to try to leave a lasting mark in my students’ memories. In other words, how many times can I make a complete fool of myself in the name of mathematic academics?

Let's start the ticker today at one.

In the interest of learning more about liquid capacity, we have been doing a brief exercise every day where we add 1 cup of water to our steadily growing supply. After four days, we have 1 quart, and then we dump that quart into our gallon jar and start filling the quart jar once again.

So far for the month, we're up to 9 cups (which also equals 72 ounces, which also equals 41/2 pints, which also equals 2 1/4 quarts).

Today, I decided to be a Jedi. I took a quick poll and verified that all of my kids were familiar with Star Wars, and then doing my best Alec Guinness impersonation, I informed the kids that our new motto was going to be, "May the quarts be with you."

After we passed that mantra around a few times, I told them we could also say, "May the fourths be with you.” Then we went over how there were 4 cups in a quart, and 4 quarts in a gallon, not to mention the fact that there are 4 letters in the words Jedi, Star, and Wars.

The kids in my morning class seemed to enjoy this, whereas most of the kids in my afternoon class looked at me as though I had lost my mind. Oh well, all it takes is that one connection.

And besides, "Which one is the more foolish -- the fool, or the one who follows the fool?"

Maybe tomorrow I'll introduce them to a Jedi's major tool… the Pint-Saber.

Mother Buffy and Father Phin are doing fine as well. I expect Josh to be doing guest posts here on Learn Me Good within the year. He has really long fingers, so he will most likely be an excellent typist. And he'll also be able to grab the last pickle in the jar without fail.

Hey everyone, the 100th Carnival of Education is up and running over at The Education Wonks. Check it out, and do your part to stimulate the economy.

Also, today is the last day to get your March Mathness picks in before the tournament starts tomorrow. I just made my picks, and I am downright ashamed of whom I have picked to go all the way. But IMC Guy would be very happy. Actually, right now my biggest hope is that Duke doesn't lose in the first round to VCU.

And since I'm on Spring Break and basketball starts tomorrow, there will most likely be no more posts until next week. Enjoy the break!!

A story in the paper the other day reported that almost 100 teachers in the Houston ISD were mistakenly paid bonuses which amounted in values ranging from $62.50 to $2,790.

The only thing I’ve ever been mistakenly given was the finger, but then maybe I should go to work in Houston. But these Houston teachers have now been given a very valuable experience. They’ve been given a bonus that they haven’t earned. So now they know what it feels like to be a US Congressman or a professional athlete!

The district is already demanding the money back from the affected teachers, telling them that they can have their amount deducted from one paycheck or spread out over 10. It makes me wonder just how quickly someone like Enron’s ex-president or Tyco’s ex-chairman would have been expected to pay it back…

In just a few weeks, Borders Bookstores will be having their annual Educators Appreciation Week. This is a time when teachers, aides, faculty, etc get an automatic discount off of anything they buy.

This is also a great time for them to showcase new and existing books with an educational bent. You would be doing me a HUGE favor if you would call your local Borders (s) and ask them to stock and display Learn Me Good (Borders ID: 8560467). I have been using my Spring Break to call as many as I can, but I am just one person after all (even if I DO have the strength of ten men).

Thank you in advance for anyone who chooses to help!

I believe this meme was started over at HuffEnglish, but I pulled it off of Lady Strathconn's site yesterday. The comments on some books were made by me, and I did add a book or two at the end. But feel free to use it yourself...

*Look at the list of books below.
*Bold the ones you’ve read.
*Italicize the ones you want to read.
*Leave blank the ones that you aren’t interested in.
*If you are reading this, tag you’re it.

1. The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown) -- read it, but I'm one of the few people I know who didn't like it.
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving) -- don't know about OWEN Meany, but I remember BUGS Meany from Encyclopedia Brown.
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (Rowling)
17. Fall on Your Knees(Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. The Stand (Stephen King) -- a fantastic novel; one of my favorites.
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban(Rowling)
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien)
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams) -- the original trilogy is hilarious; again, one of my favorites. Don't panic!
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte) -- I know it was required reading in one of my high school classes, but I'm pretty sure I never read it.
28. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie(Mitch Albom)
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand) -- it took me about four months, but I did finally make it through to the end.
34. 1984 (Orwell)
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. Bible -- not from cover to cover, sequentially, but I've read most of it at one time or another.
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. She’s Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens) -- I read this in the second grade, under the agreement that once done, my parents would buy me a new bike.
53. Ender’s Game (Orson Scott Card) -- Why haven't they made a movie of this great novel yet??
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrey Niffenegger) -- weird.
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky) -- again, required reading in Senior high school English. But I read the Cliff's notes instead of the novel.
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice) -- started to read it one time, and got bored out of my skull.
65. Fifth Business (Robertson Davis)
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Hugo) -- LOVE the opera!
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
71. Bridget Jones’ Diary (Fielding)
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. The Summer Tree (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. The World According To Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)
81. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. Wizard’s First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. Emma (Jane Austen)
86. Watership Down(Richard Adams)
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley) -- finally, a book on the high school required list that I actually read!
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding)
93. The Good Earth(Pearl S. Buck)
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. Ulysses (James Joyce) -- I read A Portrait of the Young Man As an Artist, and was forever turned off to James Joyce.
101. Jurassic Park -- don't turn up your nose if you've only seen the movie. This book is outstanding.
102. Learn Me Good -- What can I say, I'm biased! But if you haven't read it, please put it on your list!

OK, so I guess I'm supposed to count the ones I've read now.
32. Only 10 less than The Answer-- to Life, the Universe, and Everything. (Which is another book I've read)

I saw a really good "analogy" of NCLB over at Are We Doing Anything Today called No Dentist Left Behind. It makes a nice point. Check it out:

No Dentist Left Behind
My dentist is great! He sends me reminders so I don't forget checkups He uses the latest techniques based on research. He never hurts me, and I've got all my teeth.
When I ran into him the other day, I was eager to see if he'd heard about the new state program. I knew he'd think it was great.
"Did you hear about the new state program to measure effectiveness of dentists with their young patients?" I said.
"No," he said. He didn't seem too thrilled. "How will they do that?"
"It's quite simple," I said. "They will just count the number of cavities each patient has at age 10, 14, and 18 and average that to determine a dentist's rating. Dentists will be rated as excellent, good, average, below average, and unsatisfactory. That way parents will know which are the best dentists. The plan will also encourage the less effective dentists to get better," I said. "Poor dentists who don't improve could lose their licenses to practice."
"That's terrible," he said.
"What? That's not a good attitude," I said. "Don't you think we should try to improve children's dental health in this state?"
"Sure I do," he said, "but that's not a fair way to determine who is practicing good dentistry." "Why not?" I said. "It makes perfect sense to me."
"Well, it's so obvious," he said. "Don't you see that dentists don't all work with the same clientele, and that much depends on things we can't control? For example, I work in a rural area with a high percentage of patients from deprived homes, while some of my colleagues work in upper middle-class neighborhoods. Many of the parents I work with don't bring their children to see me until there is some kind of problem, and I don't get to do much preventive work. Also, many of the parents I serve let their kids eat way too much candy from an early age, unlike more educated parents who understand the relationship between sugar and decay. To top it all off, so many of my clients have well waterwhich is untreated and has no fluoride in it. Do you have any idea how much difference early use of fluoride can make?"
"It sounds like you're making excuses," I said. "I can't believe that you, my dentist, would be so defensive. After all, you do a great job, and you needn't fear a little accountability."
"I am not being defensive!" he said. "My best patients are as good as anyone's, my work is as good as anyone's, but my average cavity count is going to be higher than a lot of other dentists because I chose to work where I am needed most."
"Don't' get touchy," I said.
"Touchy?" he said. His face had turned red, and from the way he was clenching and unclenching his jaws, I was afraid he was going to damage his teeth.
"Try furious! In a system like this, I will end up being rated average, below average, or worse. The few educated patients I have who see these ratings may believe this so-called rating is an actual measure of my ability and proficiency as a dentist. They may leave me, and I'll be left with only the most needy patients. And my cavity average score will get even worse. On top of that, how will I attract good dental hygienists and other excellent dentists to my practice if it is labeled below average?"
"I think you are overreacting," I said. "'Complaining, excuse-making and stonewalling won't improve dental health'... I am quoting from a leading member of the DOC," I noted.
"What's the DOC?" he asked.
"It's the Dental Oversight Committee," I said, "a group made up of mostly lay persons to make sure dentistry in this state gets improved"
"Spare me," he said, "I can't believe this. Reasonable people won't buy it," he said hopefully. The program sounded reasonable to me, so I asked, "How else would you measure good dentistry?"
"Come watch me work," he said. "Observe my processes."
"That's too complicated, expensive and time-consuming," I said. "Cavities are the bottom line, and you can't argue with the bottom line. It's an absolute measure."
"That's what I'm afraid my parents and prospective patients will think This can't be happening," he said despairingly.
"Now, now," I said, "don't despair. The state will help you some."
"How?" he asked. "If you receive a poor rating, they'll send a dentist who is rated excellent to help straighten you out," I said brightly.
"You mean," he said, "they'll send a dentist with a wealthy clientele to show me how to work on severe juvenile dental problems with which I have probably had much more experience? BIG HELP!"
"There you go again," I said. "You aren't acting professionally at all."
"You don't get it," he said. "Doing this would be like grading schools and teachers on an average score made on a test of children's progress with no regard to influences outside the school, the home, the community served and stuff like that. Why would they do something so unfair to dentists? No one would ever think of doing that to schools."
I just shook my head sadly, but he had brightened.
"I'm going to write my representatives and senators," he said. "I'll use the school analogy. Surely they will see the point."
He walked off with that look of hope mixed with fear and suppressed anger that I, a teacher, see in the mirror so often lately.

Today was Field Day for the third grade -- or as we like to call it, Field Hour and a Half. Overall, it went pretty well. I think that it helped not having two of our newest little terrors present. They were suspended on Tuesday for fighting and biting each other.

All week long the kids have been asking me if I would race against them on Field Day. So I obliged today and made my yearly sprint. And I am proud to say that I'm still reigning champion. Of course, I learned my lessons from last year. Do NOT go in the Bouncy House before running a race. Do not give the kids a 20 foot head start. That might have worked when I was 32, but now that I'm 34, I need that edge. And most importantly, run ONE race. Last year, I ran several races and was dead tired by the end. So today, I waited till the very end and then said I would race against anyone from my two classes who so desired. I think I wound up running against about 25 kids.

Mrs. Educator (who by the way, did NOT race against the kids) brought her class over so they could run against me too and suggested that we run the 75 yards down to the end of the field and then back. I stopped her right there.

“Whoa, whoa whoa! We are running DOWN to the end, but we're NOT running back!”

And even though I actually waited until Mr. Van Gogh said “GO!” And even though I beat one of the kids by less than 2 yards -- the fact remains, my legacy is safe for at least one more year.

The Flash lives.


Upon reentering the classroom after Field Day, one of my kids asked me, "When we come back from Spring Break, will we be in the 4th grade?”

Sure, and I will have ascended to Ruler of the Seven Kingdoms.

No, I was nice. And I think he was asking because he had just learned that he had passed the TAKS Reading test. We got our results back on Wednesday, and almost 84% of our third-graders passed! This is really spectacular for our school and our area in general. So we're very proud of the kids. But they do still have to take the Math TAKS before they can go to the next grade.

Although there's certainly some that I would love to promote (or demote) over Spring Break.

I actually sat and ate lunch with my kids in the cafeteria today. Or rather, I WATCHED them eat, since I had plans to eat later. So when the kid across from me, A, said that he did not like chocolate pudding and offered me his, I graciously accepted. Which led to the person next to me giving me his pudding. And then the girl on my other side. And before I knew it, I had a pudding pyramid in front of me. By the time we left the cafeteria, I had a sack full of at least 15 pudding packs.

So you're probably thinking -- man, I know what HE'LL be doing during spring break!!


On Monday, I taught the boys how to play Knockout. This is a fast-moving game involving two basketballs and its fair share of coordination. I noticed that whenever someone would make a shot (or often, just when someone would TAKE a shot), several of the boys would shout, "SWAGGER!”

Don't ask me why, I had certainly never heard this before. But it made me want to see if I could get them to start saying something nonsensical.

So on Tuesday, every time I made a shot, I shouted, "Picante!!” With the emphasis in the middle.

Pih- KHAN-tay!!!

Pretty soon, I started getting some strange looks. So I followed it up with, "That's what we used to say in the old days."

By the end of recess, a couple of the boys were tentatively proclaiming, "Khan-tay!”

In fact, someone even said Picante during math class today.

I tell you, it's a good thing I use my powers for the forces of good…

I realize this is kind of random, but for some reason I found myself thinking about airline pilots the other day. And thus was born a brand new What If –


1) We would basically be stuck all day long in a big room with screaming children and rude adults (not so different) -- but we would have the luxury of closing a door between us and them.

2) If we didn't like the way a parent conference was going, we could feel secure in knowing that parachutes were available to bail out at any time.

3) We could deal with bad altitudes, rather than bad attitudes.

4) We would pass out peanuts and work on an airplane, as opposed to taking away airplanes and working for peanuts.



As always, further suggestions are welcome.

Hello boys and girls! Today was the last day of the regular season for college basketball (as was unfortunately witnessed in the Duke-Carolina debacle), which means March Madness is just around the corner!

I have set up a group in ESPN's Men's Tournament Challenge called March Mathness. If you would like to join my group and pit your bracket picks against mine, just click the link and create an entry. You won't be able to actually make selections until March 11, but you can go ahead and join my group in the meantime.

Hope to see you there! It's Awesome with a capital A, bay-bee!!

Just in case anyone was wondering, yesterday for Dress As a Character from a Book Day(TM), I decided to forgo the lazy route of wearing a white T-shirt with the words "Sam-I-Am" scribbled on it. Instead, I decided on a character from a COMIC book.

Can you guess who I am? And despite several comments from the kids of, "Why is Mister Teacher dressed up like a dork?" it should be easy to tell who i am...

Tomorrow is Dress As Your Favorite Character in a Book Day ™. I can't think of any stories that deal primarily with a major procrastinator, but that would have been ideal for me. Instead, I have been racking my brain all day long trying to think of something that would be easy and manageable, not to mention recognizable by the kids.

That last little bit of course throws out all of the “adult” novels. Goodbye Tom Clancy. So long Charles Dickens. Nice to know ya, Victor Hugo. And saddest of all, no Stephen King. Here I thought I could come as Johnny Smith from the Dead Zone. I wouldn't have a very distinctive style of dress, but I COULD have fun going around shaking the kids’ hands and making eerie and creepy prophecies.

“You are going to have a flat hamburger for lunch. You're going to get put in time out at 1:24. You're going to fidget.”

Then I looked through my collection and found a wonderful book by a noted author, Patricia Polacco. I thought how fun it would be to dress as the title character. Of course, I would be putting my job in jeopardy every time I told the kids who I was dressed as. But I could just wear a shirt and tie, with a blazer. And the only modification would be a big name tag that read, "Hello, my name is Mr. Falker.”

Today after recess, one of my boys, A, held up a nickel and said, "I got one of these new nickels with the big head."

So I asked him, "And do you know whose big head that is?"

A replied, "Um, Abraham Lincoln?”

I told him, "No, I'll give you a hint. He was our third president."

A responded excitedly, "OH!! George Bush!”

It's Carnival time, folks! This week is the 108th edition, very graciously hosted by Dr. Homeslice. Just the name alone cracks me up. Head on over and check out the entries.

On an unrelated note, I've seen a lot of colored brains floating around blogs that I frequent. So of course, I had to get my own colored brain. It sounds kind of odd to say that I have a purple brain -- actually, it sounds more than a little perverted. Which is probably why I would never say that out loud to someone that I hadn't known for at least five years.

Your Brain is Purple

Of all the brain types, yours is the most idealistic. You tend to think wild, amazing thoughts. Your dreams and fantasies are intense.Your thoughts are creative, inventive, and without boundaries. You tend to spend a lot of time thinking of fictional people and places - or a very different life for yourself.

There was an article in the Dallas Morning News yesterday about several of the local school districts using an online test produced by Gallup Corp. to screen potential teaching applicants at their schools. Using what is called the TeacherInsight test, employers are turning away many candidates because of their scores.

The article states:
“Unlike state-required certification exams, TeacherInsight measures values and behavior -- not subject knowledge. Gallup says the questions gauge natural talent based on 30 years of researching top-performing teachers."

According to Gallup officials, even though some of the questions might seem a bit subjective, top-quality teachers select the same answers, thus proving their worth.

They didn't list any of the actual test questions in the article, but I think I can imagine what the questions might look like.



#1 You have given an assessment. What do you do for your Talented and Gifted student, to ensure that he does not get bored when he is done?
A) Provide him with a choice of stimulating books to read when he is finished.
B) Ask him to write his own creative story on the back of the test.
C) Give him a 3-star crossword puzzle to work.
D) Buy him fireworks and chewing tobacco.


#2 You are participating in a fire drill exercise when you notice that one of your students is missing. What do you do?
A) Call the administrator and advise him or her of the situation.
B) Ask another teacher to watch your class while you go to look for the child.
C) Tell your other kids that you will give a reward to whoever runs back into the building and finds the missing child.
D) Use this as a teaching opportunity to explain that 95% out of 100 is still pretty high.


#3 You are having a phone conference with an irate parent, and some hurtful things have been said. How do you end the call?
A) “Thank you very much for your time. I look forward to seeing little Billy tomorrow morning.”
B) “I'm sorry that emotions are running so high, but I think we made some progress here today."
C) “I don't want to argue anymore, I'll have my principal gave you a call."
D) “Smell ya later, Beee-yotch!”



So perhaps it's true, perhaps a large portion of candidates CAN be screened out based on the answers they select on an online test. All I can say is, if you take something like this, be sure to choose your answers carefully…

For the past couple of weeks, our science topic has been rocks. You know, igneous, sedimentary, metamorphic -- The Big Three. So since we began, the kids have inundated Mrs. Math and I with samples from the playground, their homes, random gravel quarries, etc. Flat rocks, fat rocks, colored rocks, shiny rocks, wood chips, shells, chunks of concrete, and then some.

It's nice of the kids to share their samples with us. My back shelf will soon be full of rocks and rock-like items. Usually around the time we study leaves at the beginning of the year, my back shelf is filled with leaves. Funny how this phenomenon never happens when we study money...

Along with our study of rocks, we have talked a bit about volcanoes. Magma and lava are, after all, liquid rock. So today, at around 8:05 (nearly 2 hours before we do science), one of my little girls, A, motioned me over and says, "I was just going to tell you…” (This is how she begins every statement) “My friend told me that when the world ends, there's going to be lava everywhere, and most people are going to be dead, and the lava is going to kill them."

Of course my smart-alecy mouth can't help but respond with, "Really? Lava is going to kill people who are already dead?"

She didn't seem taken aback and instead replied, "No, there's still going to be SOME people who are alive, and the lava is going to kill THEM."

Well then. Good to know.

If I had only been a little quicker on my feet, I could have followed up with, "And then after the killer lava cools down and solidifies, WHAT type of rock will it be?”

The Reading TAKS was today, and I think that we all learned a very valuable lesson. Never trust an engineer to make a schedule.

I was tasked with the seemingly simple job as 3rd-grade chairperson to come up with a bathroom and snack schedule for the fourth and fifth grade teachers who would be monitoring the third graders during the test today. Here was my schedule:

TAKS Test 8:00 – 3:00

OK, it wasn't QUITE that vanilla, but it really wasn't very helpful either. I put the bathroom breaks on there, both morning and afternoon, but I forgot to put the snacks on there. And what time lunch was. And the second afternoon bathroom break. All in all, it was a pretty miserable excuse for a schedule.

That was what I turned in yesterday. After seeing one of the other grade’s schedules, I realized how lame mine was, and so I went home and made up a new one last night. Of course, after realizing how lame mine was, our test coordinator also went home last night and made a new one. So when I got to school this morning, there was a bit of a clash over which schedule would be accepted, and to make a long story short, I basically came across as a total Type-A Jackass.

Thankfully, my principal and test coordinator did not take offense (at least not outwardly so), and they substituted in my new, less-lame plan.

After that, it was seven hours of complete, unadulterated, stand-on-your-feet boredom. The eight 5th graders in the class that I was in were perfectly behaved, so there were no problems. MY class, on the other hand...

Ms. Five reported that one of my kids, A, had fallen asleep twice, while another one, A, had finished his test and then announced loudly to the entire class, "I'M FINISHED!” And that one of my little girls, A, had basically just played with her hair and nails all day long. (In the interest of extreme anonymity, I'm just going to call all of my kids A from now on.)

But hey! It's over! At least for another couple of months. Then we get to do the whole shebang over again, with math!

And maybe next time, they'll know better than to trust me with a schedule. On a side note, I really shouldn't be trusted with weapons-grade plutonium, either, after the whole "Incident of ‘04” and all. But that's a whole ‘nother story.

Well, apparently I have been tagged by Mrs. T (no relation) as a Thinking Blogger. NOT to be confused with a Sinking Booger or a Stinking Logger, the honor of being named a thinking blogger is quite nice. And by writing this post, I am proving that I am worthy of at least half of this honor.

Now, the trick is to pass it on to five more blogs. But here's the deal. I don't read a ton of blogs every day, and many of the ones that I do read have already been nominated somewhere or other. However, I'm not going to let that concern me. If we are really naming blogs that make us think, then it stands to reason that some blogs would be nominated more than once and things would start to loop back on themselves at more than one point.

Therefore, here are my nominations for Thinking Blogger, regardless of whether or not they have been named previously:

Education in Texas: I have enjoyed reading Mike in Texas' thoughts, musings, and observations ever since I started blogging myself. Maybe it's that we share a similar sense of humor, or maybe it's that we agree on many issues facing the education system in Texas. But he definitely makes me think.

A Shrewdness Of Apes: Mrs. C consistently blends humor, pop culture, and journalism in regards to education specifically and life in general. I especially enjoy her Movie Madness Mondays, but I also look forward to reading her viewpoints on other issues.

Redkudu: Another Texas teacher (am I biased??) who makes me think. I like her ideas for lessons and she tells good stories. Plus her name sounds like a killer sports franchise.

Get Lost, Mr. Chips: I just enjoy reading his stuff. He's a substitute teacher, but he so clearly has vastly more experience in the classroom than I do. Plus I like his wit.

3 Standard Deviations To the Left: A fellow math teacher, even if we do teach the subject on different levels, and I enjoy reading the true-life letters from students, teachers, and misguided colleagues.

OK, there you go, ya little wing nuts! Don't tell anyone I never made you think!

I got an e-mail from my brother the other day that had several graphic files related to funny answers given on mathematics tests. My favorite was this one, posted below. Obviously not the correct answer to the question, but genius nonetheless.

Okay, so it's a ripoff of the Seinfeld-created Festivus. But since a main ingredient to Festivus was the Airing of Grievances, I figured it was a good fit.

WARNING: If you have come to Learn Me Good expecting the usual moronic wit, sophomoric humor, or lame jokes, be prepared. Today's post is a more serious musing on the current standardized testing system in place.

With the 2007 TAKS (Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills) going down on Tuesday, I thought I'd get a few things off my chest. To paraphrase Poppa Costanza – I gotta lotta problems with this test!!

Okay, let's go ahead and get the little things out of the way, and then we'll move to the big picture. Thanks to a few idiot teachers who decided to cheat in years past, us honest teachers now face the repercussions. In a move akin to the cartoon elephant shrieking and jumping up on to a high chair when it sees a mouse, the state of Texas has profoundly overreacted.

On Tuesday, I will not be allowed to administer the TAKS to my own students. Neither will any TAKS- grade teachers. I guess they're afraid that one of us will reenact the scene from Spies Like Us, complete with faking a heart attack as we point to the correct answers. I'll be in a 5th grade classroom, with kids I barely know and where the heart attack gag doesn't have a chance of working.

In the meantime, my students will be taking their test with a virtual stranger. Sure, they know Ms. Five, and they've taken a few practice tests with her in the room, but what ever happened to the benefits (or even necessities!) of a familiar presence? Whether you subscribe to the "nurturing presence theory" (the kids know their teacher is there and they feel comfortable) or the "menacing presence theory" (the kids know their teacher is there and so they had BETTER try their hardest), there's a lot of validity there. And "presence" can hardly be considered cheating.

Or, maybe it can. For anyone who thinks that not only should the kids not be helped in any way, but that they should actually be hindered as well...

Which is probably why we have to cover up just about everything in our classroom on test days. Not just visual aids; EVERYTHING with text on it. I can understand not wanting the kids to be able to look at a poster with an example of a Venn Diagram or a sequencing chart. But what possible unfair advantage is a kid going to get from a cursive alphabet chart or a motivational poster that says, "Make Good Choices!"? And yes, I even have to cover up my solar system poster. Nobody wants the kids pulling any answers out of Uranus.

I also have a problem with the whole school ranking system. Exemplary, Recognized, Acceptable, and Unacceptable are the grades bestowed upon campuses based on their overall TAKS scores. But the guidelines and requirements for hitting these marks are rigid and uncompromising. With all of the talk and training on Differentiation at the student level, where is it on the campus level? All kids do not learn at the same rate, and all students cannot perform at the same level. We have to modify our teaching to reach all abilities. But then why is that not taken into account during standardized testing? Why isn't there a sliding scale for school rankings based on demographics and ___location?

On the 3rd grade math TAKS, a monitor is allowed to read a word or phrase to the student if the student asks them to. This is brilliant because it makes the test about the student's math ability, NOT their reading ability. However, beyond the 3rd grade, this is not the case. Take 5th grade science, for instance. The kids are given absolutely no reading assistance on the science TAKS. This is ridiculous, as it effectively makes the test a reading assessment with a science bent. How many kids know exactly what photosynthesis is, but they don't know how to read the word "photosynthesis?" Or who could tell you with precision the difference between a mixture and a solution, but who can't recognize those words on paper? Except for on the reading tests, the kids should absolutely be allowed to ask for reading assistance. That's just common sense.

But let's move to the big picture now. In my ever so humble opinion, the TAKS is not an adequate measuring stick for a student's growth. It's more like the “height stick” used at Six Flags and other amusement parks. You know the one -- "You must be this tall to ride." The bored coaster-jockeys put it down next to a kid and give it a twirl. If the crossbar slides through the air, the kid doesn't get to ride. If it whacks the kid in the head, he gets to ride. It's a go-no go affair. The kid is either taller than the mark or shorter. As to the actual height of the kid? Who knows?

The TAKS is the test-equivalent of the height stick. It will tell you whether a kid has surpassed a set mark or not. It says absolutely nothing about improvement, or growth, or -- dare I say it -- gain.

But what if there was a system that actually gauged each student's achievement, instead of just indicating pass/fail? Why not have a test at the very beginning of the year and a test at the very end of the year? That way you could see true progress. Let's face it, there are some children who are never going to be able to pass TAKS. They just don't have the skills or the IQ. But that doesn't mean they're not learning anything. Here's an example. Consider a child who scores a 10 (out of 100) on my proposed beginning-of-year test and a 50 on the end-of-year test. In the current system, with just the end-of-year test, that child is just another blip in the "Failure" column. But if a beginning-of-year test had been given, it would be clear that the child had made a gain of 400 percent!! To me, that's much more impressive than the child whose score went from 80 to 85. But as things stand, the kid with the 85 gets praised and moves on, while the kid with a 50 gets retained.

One argument against a beginning-of-year test is that it's too expensive. I understand that these tests cost money, and the education budget is always being trimmed. But in the grand scheme of things, I'm not convinced that it really WOULD be more expensive than what we have now. For one thing, there wouldn't need to be three chances given on any test (right now, some tests are given three times for those who don't pass on the first or second try) because we'd be measuring growth, not just pass/fail. Also, I think it would ease special education's load quite a bit, as teachers would not be requesting resource testing for so many students, trying to get them exempted from a test they have no chance of passing. And on top of everything else, is anyone really going to respect an education system that says, "Yeah, we know what would be best, but we're not going to do it because it's too expensive?"

Anyway, I'm just a lowly peon in the Texas public school system. But here's my two cents, for what it's worth. Any comments are appreciated.

MAN, it is cold down here! You wouldn't expect to hear that coming out of the heart of Texas, but as I stood outside at my early morning duty post amid the falling snowflakes -- wait, you wouldn't expect to hear THAT coming out of the heart of Texas either...

But it's true, it was snowing this morning, and the temperature was in the mid-20s. I don't care where you're from, that's not a lot of fun to be out in for half an hour. I expected the kids to start greeting me with, "Good morning, Mister Popsicle!” And when I got back inside, looking like the Comingeth of the Iceman, the first thing my Assistant Principal said to me was, "You know, it's supposed to be in the teens tomorrow morning..." Time to break out the nuclear-powered longjohns.

In other news, I walked a bit of a fine line today with both of my classes. In the science book, there was a picture of a unicycle. So I took that as an opportunity to talk about prefixes. We were just talking about how quad- and quart- meant four, and the kids know that tri- means three. So I ask them what other word looked a lot like unicycle. They came up with bicycle pretty quickly. So I had them consider what a unicycle looks like and what a bicycle looks like, and I asked them to try to think about what uni- and bi- could possibly mean. They had no problem with that. But as an adult reading this, you can probably see the fine line I was talking about.

Much like the rookie gambler pushing all-in with a jack-10 off suit, I realized I was taking a bit of a risk, but I went ahead and asked the question anyway -- "What other words can we think of that start with uni- and bi-?”

Thankfully, and as I pretty much expected, both of my classes came up with the same words -- unicorn, and bilingual. One little girl did say that bi means when you go to the store and spend money on something, and a boy in the other class suggested “Bye-bye, Mister Teacher.”

But no one brought up the more sensitive word. I think you know which one I'm talking about.

Biplane.

You don't have to be a teacher nowadays to realize that many people in this great world of ours just can't handle the responsibility of naming a child. So many parents have taken to "tricking up" their baby's name -- choosing something that strikes their fancy, or that they think is "totally wicked awesome!"

Exhibit A – Kal-el Cage
Exhibit B – Apple Paltrow (Or is it Apple Martin? Or is that too close to Apple Martini?)
Exhibits C-E -- Any of Bruce Willis's kids.

But of course celebrities are not the only guilty party here. We get our fair share of kids at school named after luxury cars or royalty, or those with very inventive uses for the apostrophe.

So it occurred to me that with this increasing trend of parents naming their kids after things they like with no thought whatsoever as to the fact that it is indeed their child who will be forced to bear the burden of that name for the rest of his or her life, or at least until the age of 18 (deep breath) -- I think I have some idea of what names we can expect to start showing up in kindergarten classes in just a few years.

"Kal-el Cage" is just one example of a child named after a popular movie character. I expect we'll soon have classes that include at least one Legolas, Gimli, or Frodo. Of course, at MY school, it would be La’Frodo.

Free elements will no doubt make a strong entrance. Zirconium -- Zirc to his friends -- will be a popular boy's name, while Moly (short for Molybdenum) will be the hot new girl's name.

Expect Mazda and Isuzu to overtake Lexus and Porscha in the race for “kewl” monikers.

In about three years, here's the typical class roll call I expect to see:

Soduku
Jenny
Eowen
Jeauxsyff
All-in
McSteamy
da Vinci
Lauren
Magneto
Jar-Jar
Brittney
Cylon
Advil
Toyota
Kimberly
Nemo
Pyramid
Johnny.com
Catherine
Samsung
Rubidium

I can't wait!!

This is one reason I'm so glad I don't teach high school writing. A story out of Florida reports on students writing essays and allowing “IM-speak” to creep in. These are words and phrases… no wait, excuse me, they are letters and numbers designed to REPRESENT words and phrases, or taken from another point of view, they are short bursts of spazz-finger that present teens from learning proper spelling and grammar.
b4, wat, dat, u and so on.

WTF???

I have no doubt that using these shortcuts makes one able to type more in a shorter period of time. I'm sure that likewise, sticking a funnel down my throat would allow me to consume more vodka in a shorter period of time -- that doesn't necessarily mean it's an improvement.

What's even more disturbing is that some teachers seem to be supporting this movement.

“Some educators, like David Warlick, 54, of Raleigh, North Carolina, see the
young burgeoning band of instant messengers as a phenomenon that should be
celebrated. Teachers should credit their students with inventing a new language
ideal for communicating in a high-tech world, said Warlick, who has authored
three books on technology in the classroom.”

If my students invent a new language, then I probably will celebrate. But I won't be partying over the fact that people are too lazy to type an “h” to properly spell the word “what.” If you want to try a new language, go with Klingon. Though I'm not sure too many people will celebrate your accomplishments then, either. Just ask Ed U Cater.

Again, I don't have to worry too much about this from my third-graders. When they write for me, the misspellings are rampant, but completely unintentional.

I'll take a “Good jod!” over a “Wat up wid u?” any day.

You know, with all of the crazy driving I have seen out in front of the school this year, it's a wonder I haven't seen any fender benders. Until today. Of course, I never imagined that the accident would occur with an unoccupied car.

There was a car parked across the street the entire time from 7:15 until 7:45, so I have no idea who it belongs to. But this guy pulled up behind it, parked about 10 feet back, and his wife and daughter got out. I walked them across the street, and then I sort of forgot about him as other cars pulled up to the near side curb in front of me. I'm greeting a couple of kids getting out right in front of me, when I hear this bang. I look up, and see that this guy has somehow drifted forward the 10 feet or so and directly into the back end of the parked car. I have no earthly idea how that happened.

Thankfully, it was a very low speed collision, and there was no noticeable damage to the car. I told him that he should put his name and number on a piece of paper and slide it under the windshield wipers, which he did.

So there was my big excitement for the day. Of course, in other areas, things were a bit more mellow. Groovy. Like, totally far out, man. I heard from another teacher that there was an incident not too far from us where a fifth-grader was caught in possession of 20-some grams of marijuana. And one report was that he was even smoking it!

Hmmm... Maybe I should visit that classroom and bring back a sample, so I can demonstrate how a solid becomes a gas…

OK, it's halftime of the Duke-Carolina game, so I've got to wrap this up and get back to screaming at my television. I don't know how it will wind up, but it's been one heck of a game so far!

Over the weekend, I asked my kids to start thinking about ideas for a science project. A few weeks ago, we did a little project together in class -- Which will fly farther: a plain paper airplane or a paper airplane with a paper clip on the nose?

So I asked them to jot down a few ideas for potential problems to explore. I was looking for some open-ended questions and some feeling for what kinds of experiments they were interested in.

I got back a few viable responses, but as usual, the nonviable ones are a lot more fun to discuss here. So without any further ado, I present the results of what my class is truly interested in, apparently.

There were bound to be some questions that don't require an experiment to answer:
“What is longer, a ruler or a journal?”
and
“How many cups does it take to get 1 pint?”
(At least they're exploring, right?)

Then there are the ones that would actually be very interesting to see put into motion:
“How does a solid change when you hit something with it?”
(I can just imagine this kid walking around whacking everything in sight with a backpack, a notebook, or a football)

“How long can a human stay underwater?”
(How about, how long can a third grader stay quiet?)

From the "Let Me Know When You Find the Answer” files:
“How do you think liquid was invented?”
(Or maybe it was how do you think liquor was invented? -- the spelling was a bit hard to make out)

Here was one of my favorite responses:
“If I stop feeding my turtle for 10 days will it die?”
(My hypothesis -- the turtle will croak)

From there we go to the most bizarre response:
“Which one will last longer -- game or cake?”
(I don't even know what the intent of that question was)

And finally, here's one that didn't really meet the criteria for what I asked for, but it does show that the boy has learned something in science AND that he wants to impress me:
“If you grab a block with no string and it will be heavy and if you put a string around of a block it will not be heavy because you can pull it up and then go tell your teacher."

Say it ain't so. Chewbacca apparently has gone over to the Dark Side.

According to this story, a street performer in California who was dressed as everyone's favorite cuddly Wookiee got a bit aggressive and head butted a tour guide in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater. This, after being accused of “harassing and touching tourists." I can't think of anything worse than being groped by a six-foot tall bipedal hairy dog. I believe it was Kelly Ripa who said, "I don't know where that hand’s been!”

These performers hang around outside of the theater hoping for some loose change for a hard day's work. Let's not even stop to consider where Chewbacca would store his money. I'm more interested in what precipitated this aggressiveness. I can just picture some random guy walking past saying, "Hey buddy, you don't see ME out here crying cuz no one will give him a dollar!" And some other clever individual remarking, "That's because schmucks don't rip people's arms out of their sockets when they don't get their money." All accompanied by the hideous Wookiee mating song.

Based on the story, there did not seem to be any particular Star Wars theme going on with the street performers. It was a veritable hodgepodge of fictional characters. Giving new meaning to the term "Character Witnesses," bystanders included Superman, Buzz Lightyear, and Homer Simpson. Heck, why not bring in Brainy Smurf as an expert witness and Harvey Birdman as prosecutor?

This story is chock-full of amusing sound bites, but here is one of my favorite statements:

“Two years ago, Mr. Incredible, Elmo the Muppet and the dark-hooded character from the movie "Scream" were arrested for "aggressive begging," the L.A. Times reported.”

I gotta ask… who was the MORON who let that unholy triumvirate come together???

I'm throwing out this plea to any and all science teachers who may be reading this blog. I would love to hear from you any fun (or even boring) hands-on activities that relate to the states of matter. We have been reading about solids, liquids, and gases and discussing, but I'd like to do something more concrete with them.

And I don't mean pushing them into the bathroom and saying, "You should be able to find all three states in this room!"

Anybody? My undying gratitude for anyone who shares in the next couple of days.

I just got back from a Super Bowl watching party, and I am very happy that the Indianapolis Colts beat the Chicago Bears, 29-17. Way to go Manning!! Other meaningful moments during the NFL telecast:
A dearth of funny commercials.
Don Shula competing against Jay-Z in what appeared to be a holographic Madden:2035.
Prince performing a shadow puppet show, and using his uniquely shaped guitar to
represent a certain elongated and severely deformed body part.

Also this week, The Best of Blogs Awards began. Be sure to get out there and vote!

The release date for Harry Potter 7 (Hogwarts Boogaloo) was announced. Mark your calendars for July 21, 2007.

And finally, Punxatawney Phil stuck his head out of his cave and saw his shadow. Or maybe he didn't see it, I'm not really sure. Either way, I know we don't have six more weeks of TAKS preparation as one optimist suggested.
I wonder if Phil has his own blog...

Happy Groundhog Day!!!

Happy Groundhog Day!!!

Happy Groundhog Day!!!

An article in the paper yesterday talked about a proposed bill that would punish parents who don't show up for parent-teacher conference night.

Wayne Smith, a congressman from the Houston-area, wants to submit legislation that will charge parents with a Class C misdemeanor and a $500 fine if they miss a scheduled meeting with their child's teacher. The article says:

“The bill, which is expected to be considered in the House Public Education
Committee… specifies that the parent has to receive written notice by certified
mail, listing at least three proposed dates for the parent-teacher
conference. A parent who ignores the notice or schedules a meeting but
fails to attend would face charges -- unless there was a valid reason for not
showing up.”

Valid reasons could include emergency quadruple-bypass, transfer to Iraq, or "Twilight Zone-athon Day on the sci-fi channel.”

I ask you -- how freakin’ great is this proposal? And my next question -- how freakin’ high are the odds that anything like this will EVER be passed??? I mean, come on, in a society where someone can spill hot coffee in their own lap and then sue the restaurant for millions of dollars; in a society where people are perfectly happy to ignore the Surgeon General's warning while they slowly poison themselves, but then blame the tobacco industry for killing them; in a society where Terrell Owens is viewed as anything other than a complete nitwit… Does anyone outside of a mental institution actually believe for a second that this same society would allow anyone to impose and enforce responsibility on them??

But you know, on the off chance that this pipe dream is actually realized, and the bill is posted through, I would like to suggest a rider. Choose some percentage of the imposed parental fine, and give it to the teacher who was stood up. If I had even half of a percent of $500 for every time I've had a parent no-show, I'd be rich! And I've only been teaching for four years!

And hey, if this thing should pass, let's not stop there. How about fines for parents who consistently bring their kids to school late? Misdemeanors for parents who register phone numbers that don't work? Jail time for parents who let their kids play video games without doing their homework?

Greetings, earthlings! The 104th Carnival of Education is currently up and running over at The Median Sib. Take a leisurely stroll over to that side of the Internet and check out all of the articles.

A couple that I found very interesting had to do with the Houston ISD's implementation of teacher incentive pay. Some schools in Dallas are giving incentive pay a try, but things in Houston don't seem too copacetic. Check out these two postings, one at NCLBlog -- the other at A Brown Bag Blog.

Learn Me Good: the blog officially turns one year old today. Back around January 30 of 2006, I was thrilled when my stat counter told me I had had 5 visitors for the day. Almost exactly 1 year later, I hit my highest mark ever (with a little help from the Houston Chronicle) with just shy of 500 visitors. Not too shabby for what was originally deemed “the blog experiment” (not to be confused with The Philadelphia Experiment).


Today in class, I asked one of my kids how to say "smile" in Spanish. She said a word that I swear sounded just like Cervesa. How funny is that – Beer = Smile!

Actually, I probably just misunderstood, being the gringo that I am. Sometimes I try out my Spanish knowledge with the kids, knowing full well exactly what I'm trying to say, and they look at me like I'm speaking Martian. Not that I'm getting the words or the syntax incorrect, I guess I'm just not saying the words in the fashion that they are used to hearing them.

A couple of years ago, some of the kids asked me, "Tienes ninos?” (Which I'm pretty sure means, "Do you have any kids?") I responded, "No, no tengo espousa.” (Which I'm pretty sure means, "No, I don't have a wife.") The kids gave me a quizzical stare, and one of them blurted out, "You don't have a beard??”

Hey, at least I'm trying, right? Now I'm going to log off and go have a Smile.

OK, so normally I would be against plagiarism. However, I did just lift the title of this blog post from Mike over at Education in Texas. I wandered over there to see what he had written about our blogs being featured in today's edition of the Houston Chronicle. He didn't write much about the article, but he sure did talk up my book a lot. So I thought I'd say thanks by, um, er, stealing his latest title...

So yeah, a couple of weeks ago, I spoke with this reporter from the Houston Chronicle about being a teacher who blogs. We spoke for a good 20 minutes or so, and I was charming, witty, and debonair. Not to mention a master of nifty adjectives. And low and behold, I was not quoted or even mentioned in the article once. Not once. However, a link to Learn Me Good was featured prominently in a sidebar, so I can't be too disappointed.

And Mike in Texas DID get mentioned and quoted. I liked one of his quotes that was taken from his blog -- "some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue."

I'll have to steal that one from him too...

Wow, what a long week. Not only was this the first full week in quite a while (no early releases, government holidays, or unofficial snow days), but there was also something AFTER school every single day. Staff meeting on Monday. Games club on Tuesday. Tutoring on Wednesday. Learning communities meeting on Thursday. Happy Hour on Friday.

Today I gave a long test on word problems, and frustrations started coming out. From the kids and from me. One of my kids started talking to his neighbor while I was at the back of the room, so I called him back and ask him to bring his tests so that I could mark it down by 20 points for talking during a test. I really have no intention of marking the grade down 20 points in my gradebook, but I wanted to make a point to the whole class. Not five minutes later, two more kids were talking to each other.

Is learning from past mistakes a thing OF the past? Because my kids never seem to understand this concept. They break the rules, get in trouble, cry, repeat. Over and over.

I actually spoke the words, "Those who do not study the past are doomed to repeat it," aloud to my class this afternoon. When did I become such an old fogey??

And my new ward is not helping matters much. D showed up late yesterday afternoon with his father to enroll in Mrs. Educator's class. The father informs us that D is a troublemaker, he was suspended a lot at his old school, and that "he might try to run away." Great, what am I -- Agent Girard from The Fugitive??

"What I need from each and every one of you people is a hard target search of every classroom, bathroom, book room, store room, and side room within a 10 mile radius."

Well, he didn't try to run away today, but he certainly did get under my nerves. For a kid who's four-foot-nothing, he's got more attitude than a Portland Trailblazer. Some teachers are just able to ignore disrespect and rudeness and move on, but I've always been stubborn. I have a real problem with little kids who ignore me and/or talk back. And the timing was even worse, because I had just finished writing up a discipline referral on another kid who thought he could spout obscenities as he walked past my room and then yell at me when I tried to talk to him. This on top of the test talkers. Needless to say, I was not in the best of moods.

I just thank God that it's the weekend. Because next week is going to be another long one and I desperately need the break.

Ramblin' Educat has a recent post bemoaning the dearth of realistic portrayals of teachers on television. I have never watched it myself, but apparently Boston Public is not popular with the commenters on his blog. (All I know is Seven of Nine makes for a very hot instructor.)

I also bring into evidence NBC's failed incarnation of Teachers last year. I kept watching, hoping it would get funny, and it just never did.

So anyway, this started me thinking... Who ARE some good teachers that we have watched on the boob tube? Nominations, anyone?

Personally, I would have to say that my favorite teacher was Ralph Hinkley from The Greatest American Hero. White Man's 'Fro and all. That's really why I got into teaching in the first place. It was in the hopes of obtaining mysterious superpowers that I could use to comical effect.

Anyone else?

Today was an afterschool tutoring day, which makes for a very long day, but there was a very bright note at the end. I decided that I wanted pizza for dinner, so I called up my friendly neighborhood Mr. Jim's and placed my order. They then informed me that I was the 500th customer, and that my meal was on the house! How great is that?


Also, the 103rd Carnival of Education is up and running at the site where it all started, The Education Wonks. Go check it out, and you just might get a free pizza.

At yesterday's staff meeting (now weekly, and in Technicolor!), a request was made of the TAKS- level teachers. Actually, calling it a request is like calling a shark attack a love nibble. It was a command.

Our principal wants TAKS predictions. When I first saw the bullet that said "TAKS predictions" on our agenda sheet yesterday, my first thought was ok,um I predict somewhere between 30 and 40 questions; I predict 3-4 reading passages; I predict multiple-choice answers...

But of course that's not what she wanted. She wants us to predict what percentage of kids will pass the TAKS tests. That in itself is not at all unreasonable or difficult. We all have a pretty good idea of our kids' capabilities, and while there are always a few surprises on test day (usually in a positive sense), we know who is most likely going to pass and who is most likely not.

However, pass/fail data was not all that she was asking from us. She also wants a list of gains. This really seems to be the big buzzword with her this year. I have lost track of how many times I've heard the word "gains" in meetings, on the announcements, in e-mails, etc. Maybe for her birthday, I'll get her a big jug of GAIN laundry detergent.

Anyway, my buddy Ed U Cater blogged about this over at The Head of the Class. I really think you should go and read his post before continuing with mine. He summed things up pretty well.

Back? Okay then, continuing....

In engineering, we frequently used the term "WAG." When we were unsure of a customer's electrical input capacity, we used WAG. When the application temperature was unknown, we used WAG. When a fellow engineer hadn't returned from lunch for over two hours, and people were wondering where he was, we used WAG.

In case you were wondering, WAG means "Wild Ass Guess."

That's basically what we're being asked to make here. What's the difference between a 1900 and a 2000 on the TAKS? It could be as random as whether or not the child got to wear his/her favorite socks that morning.

Now, Ed and the other fourth and fifth grade teachers have a little bit of an advantage over me and my third-grade team. They can at least look at each kid's TAKS scores from last year, take their WAG, and then calculate a gain or a loss. But kids don't take the TAKS in the second grade, so we don't have a comparable score to base the gain or loss on. I got the impression that we are supposed to look at last year's ITBS scores and somehow base an improvement number on that. Maybe I can find some secret file online that divulges the conversion rate between ITBS and TAKS. I have a feeling that it's listed along with the conversion rate between tons and metric buttloads.

I wonder if I would be viewed as a smart ass if I included a prediction of the temperature, humidity, and pollen count for TAKS day. I mean, I feel like I would be just as accurate with those items as I will be with the test scores.

And we have to have the predictions in by THIS Friday. Well, I guess if Jack Bauer can save the FREAKIN' world in 24 hours, I can crank out a WAG in a few days.

After some confusion (on my part, at least) about dates and windows and such, I see that they have finally put up some definitive parameters for this year's Best of Blogs Awards.

This will be my first time to vote, as I was just getting started around a year ago (it will be one year next Wednesday). But I do have a good idea of who I'm going to vote for, and I know who I can recommend to anyone reading this.

Education in Texas is one of the very first blogs I started reading regularly. Mike, who writes the blog, writes with a good sense of humor, superlative grammar, and outstanding punctuation. Also, he usually has something informative to say. So my vote goes to him, and I would recommend that everyone check out his stuff.

I'm not really sure how many votes you get, but I'd like to also give a shout out to two other blogs that I greatly enjoy. Even though we did not all start at exactly the same time, I sort of feel like Happychyck, La Chucheria, and I worked our way into the "edusphere" together. So I hold them up as paragons as well.

Looks like February 2 is when the nominations begin. If you're able to, be sure to vote!

Well, I have resisted it as long as possible, but it's finally time to face up to the fact that I have been "tagged," repeatedly, and that I am going to have to complete this meme challenge.

Redkudu was the first to tag me, so she gets the credit, but more recently, I've been hit by Ms. Cornelius and Mike in Texas as well. Normally, I am very resistant to forwarding things just for the sake of forwarding them. In fact, I will automatically delete any e-mail that ends with "If you love Jesus, send this to 10 of your closest friends." Excuse me, I really don't think that the good Lord and Savior is going to banish me just because I didn't forward a dumb little poem within 5 minutes of receiving it.

But this meme seems pretty harmless, so I'll go along with it. Let's just not make a habit of it...

So here we go, 5 things about me that you probably didn't know, unless you've been stalking me, in which case I should add number 6: I have a stalker.

1) I was born just outside of Washington, DC during a very rare and strange weather phenomenon. It was a combination snow/lightning storm. That same night (quite possibly at the exact moment of my birth, but more probably a few hours later), my great-grandmother's television set was struck by lightning.

2) I grew up playing all-text no graphics adventure games on the computer. I still have a very fond spot in my heart for the likes of Zork, Planetfall, Infidel, and the like. "You are standing in a clearing, west of a white house. There is a mailbox here."

3) I tried out for the Duke basketball team my freshman year of college. I knew I didn't stand a chance of making it, but I had the opportunity to play on the court in Cameron Indoor Stadium in front of Coach K and several of the players, so I had to grab it. I got a T-shirt for my efforts. The team wound up winning the national championship that year. Was any part of the success due to my inspiring performance? Who can say?

4) I have six godchildren. Five of them are girls, one is a boy. One of them even lives in Japan.

5) I am having a lot of success calling Borders bookstores around the country and asking them if they will stock my book, Learn Me Good. So far, my novel is on the shelves in Texas, California, Florida, Virginia, and Nevada. Ask for it in your local Borders!

Okay, now is the part when I have to put the burden on someone else. So I think I'll go with a couple of new bloggers that I've read. The following people have been put on notice (and if you're NOT one of these people, follow the links and check out their sites!):

The Head of the Class

IMC Guy

Rookie Teacher

Miss M.

Earlier this week, I read a blurb in the paper about a local teacher who won a contest to trade places for a day with Jason Thompson of General Hospital. So that inspired me to formulate a new entry in the "If teachers were like..." pantheon. My first thought was that a teacher would feel more at home on the set of All My Children or The Young and the Restless. But here are some other things that I believe would be true if teachers were like... soap stars:

1) Every time we told a child, "If you don't study, you will fail," there would be a sudden crescendo of dramatic music, accompanied by a close-up of the facial expression termed by Joey from Friends as "smelling the fart."

2) We would never get any teaching done because we'd be too worried about aliens abducting our illegal immigrant lovers, who may or may not have set fire to their illegitimate half-siblings in order to inherit all of the family's money.

3) We'd talk less about commas, and more about comas.

4) One of our colleagues could disappear for months, only to be replaced by someone 7 inches shorter, 20 pounds heavier, with different colored eyes and a mustache. Yet everyone would accept that this brand-new person was really our old colleague, and nothing would ever be said about it.

Any other ideas?

Hello, my name is Mister Teacher, and I work for the Yo-Yo Independent School District.

This morning, we had what is known around the world as "freak weather." Sure, up north, freezing rain and a quarter inch layer of ice may not be considered freaky, but down here in Texas, the only thing freakier is Matthew McConaughey's bongo-playing habits.

So I wake up around a quarter till 6 this morning, and the radio dudes are talking about how bad the roads are and how a lot of schools are closing. So I did what I do every morning at 5:45 -- I hit the snooze button. Ditto for nine minutes later. However, a little after 6, I got out of bed and wandered into the living room to watch the TV. Apparently it was snowing, if the television reporters and their immediate surroundings were painting an honest picture. All four of the major stations had crawls on the bottom of the screen, listing all of the schools that were closing and/or opening late. One district was conspicuously absent. You guessed it, Dallas ISD.

Now the policy has always been that school closings are announced on TV by 6:05AM. I sat there and watched the crawl on all four stations to be sure, and Dallas ISD was not listed on any of them.

So I reluctantly began the process of showering, getting dressed, getting in gear, and getting out of the house. As soon as I pulled out of the garage, I felt like I was being salted from above. Small pieces of freezing rain had left a layer of frost on the ground, with more being added every moment.

To make a long story short, my journey to the school took nearly twice the time that it normally takes, but I did arrive in one piece. Out in the parking lot, I encountered two of my fellow teachers engaged in conversation. One of them, like me, was just arriving; the other, was leaving. She told us that school had been canceled after all, and that we could go home.

Sweet -- just what I wanted to do. Get right back out onto the road.

But then, another teacher stuck her head out the door and announced that school had once again been declared open. I couldn't help but get a mental image of one of those plastic bobbing bird toys. Head goes down, school is closed. Head goes up, school is open.

As indecision goes, this seemed to be pretty major. However, it didn't hold a candle to what was going on with the kids. Come to find out later, the buses did in fact leave the "bus barn" at their normal appointed time to pick up the kids. Midway through their route, though, they were told that school had been closed and recalled back to where they had started. THAT'S why I didn't see a single bus pass by during my morning crosswalk duty today. When I got back inside at 7:45 and mentioned that to the principal, she told me that the buses had just been sent back out to pick the kids up.

Now think about this for a second. If YOUR kids were out there waiting on the school bus at the normal time, and it was snowing, and it was 27°F, and maybe you had to use the bathroom pretty bad, and the bus never came -- would you really stand around for more than an hour on the off chance that the bus might be coming late? Well, neither did most of our parents and kids.

By nine o'clock, Mrs. Educator and I had a combined total of 10 kids. Most of them had been dropped off by their parents, though one, maybe two of them came on the late bus.

So as far as that was concerned, it was a nice day. We put all 10 in my room for the first 2 1/2 hours, and the kids and I talked about weather and the difficulty that goes into making accurate forecasts. Then after lunch, Mrs. Educator tagged in and did some reading activities with them while I got a nice new bulletin board completed.

I just hope that we don't have to go through exactly the same thing tomorrow morning, here in the Yo-Yo ISD. Because if we expect our kids to learn from their mistakes, I certainly hope that our adults can as well.

The 102nd Carnival of Education is up and running, courtesy of Dr. Homeslice. Sidle on over, and give him a great big "WHASSSSSUP?"

I have a child in my class whose name is NOT Simon, but for the purposes of this posting, will be referred to as Simon. I'm calling him Simon because every day, if I want him to do anything, I have to actually address him by name. If I don't, it's like he doesn't even hear me.

If I say to the class, "Boys and girls, please take out your science books," then everyone in the class will take out their science books, EXCEPT for Simon. He'll just sit there at his desk, totally oblivious to the actions going on around him. However, if I say, "Simon, please take out your science book," THEN he'll do as he's asked. And he's very consistent about this. It's not a once or twice occurrence.

So I've started making requests in the following manner:

"Simon, and everyone else, please take out your science books."

"Simon, and everyone else, please stop writing and take out something to grade with."

"Be sure to bring your jackets, Simon (and everyone else)."

Simon Says: clean your ears out!!

A local pizza chain (actually, turns out there are 59 stores around the country) called Pizza Patron has been making news here in Dallas because of a recent decision to accept pesos along with US dollars.

A lot of the community is up in arms because they feel this is completely un-American. Others are taking the stance that it's good business practice and fully acceptable. Personally, I'm just not sure why they stopped at pesos. I mean, I understand that the stores are predominantly located in Hispanic neighborhoods, but they are serving Italian cuisine. So shouldn't they be excepting lira as well?

One large pepperoni pizza: $7.99; 2,000 pesos; 563,229 lira

I just hope that other pizza chains will follow suit and accept other forms of currency. I would love it if Mr. Jim's would start taking Putt Putt tokens or old Slurpie action coins. I must have about a million Don Quisenberrys lying around here somewhere...

Hey, over the past few days, I've noticed some people surfing on into this site from some new places. So I'd like to give a shout out to those people, and even more so, to the people who directed them here!

Over at Teacher Magazine's Blogboard, an author posted a short recap of my teacher/hoopster comparison. Now if I could just get them to review my book at their magazine...

And over at a discussion board called The Awful Forums, some dude called Man Eating Cow referenced my site. Seemingly positively, I would say. I was worried at first, given the name of the forums and all. But for the pointer in my direction, I raise my glass to you, Cow.

And while I'm thanking people, I don't know who these people are, but I would like to thank a certain "Dallasbap" who gave my book a nice review on Amazon.com AND ditto for "pediatric nurse" who had nice things to say about Learn Me Good over on barnesandnoble.com.

Cheers!

I'm starting to believe that Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John were not very good at math. Yeah, THAT Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

I've been working on multiplication and division word problems with my students, and I've noticed a striking similarity between some of their answer choices and a famous story from the New Testament.

Just imagine if this was a math problem, posed to the young gospel writers:
Jesus has 5 loaves of bread. He wants to split the bread equally among 1000 people who are hungry. How many loaves of bread will each person receive?

Now, if MML&J tackled this problem the way many of MY students would, they would multiply 5 times 1000 and get 5000.
Each person will receive 5000 loaves of bread.

No wonder everyone ate to their fill and there was a multitude still left over!

In the case of the Gospel story, this is referred to as a miracle, and I happen to believe in its veracity. Not so much with my kids.

On the test I gave today, one question was, "Mrs. M. had 30 pieces of candy. She wants to give the same amount of candy to 10 students. How many pieces of candy will each student get?”

Every time I saw an answer of 300 (or even 30, from my just plain confused kids), I kept wanting to ask, "So you think this is a loaves and fishes situation?"

Oh well, at least I know what I'll be concentrating even harder on next week.

And now for something completely different…

Today, I thought I’d take a look at another profession and compare it to the one that I'm in currently. So many occupations out there to choose from, but I figured I'd start with something really glamorous, like a professional basketball player. So, in no particular order, here are a few observations of what I believe life would be like if teachers were treated like NBA stars.

1) Lets start with the obvious, the one difference so huge, everyone would automatically start there -- if teachers were like NBA stars, we would get to wear shorts and tank tops on the job all the time!!

2) If teaching was like playing in the NBA, then I could hurt my hand on the very first day of school, stay at home injured for the rest of the school year, and still collect my entire yearly salary.

3) If we ever tried to place our hands around our principal's neck and choke him or her, then we would most likely be traded to another school with a higher salary, and the principal would be fired. (The Latrell Spreewell Corollary)

4) If we slipped and fell down on the job, someone would immediately rush out to wipe up our sweat, instead of just pointing and laughing.

5) Just like with the basketball equipment controversy (leather vs. synthetic), we would be subject to random and seemingly whimsical changes to equipment and materials from year to year, and these changes would be made and approved by our supervisors, with absolutely no consultation for our own opinions. Wait, that pretty much already happens with teachers.


Feel free to add your own!

This is a picture of one moment during the Duke-Virginia Tech game from Saturday afternoon. Deron Washington, of VT completely hurdles Greg Paulus, number 3, of the Blue Devils. Mind you, Paulus is 6'1", so it's not exactly like jumping over the old bike rack.

The next time I get really frustrated at my kids, and down in the dumps, I'll be able to think to myself, "Hey, at least no one has ever jumped completely over my head and forced me to come face to crotch."

On Friday, I heard yet another example of one of those "kids say the strangest things" quotations. This one came to me from my fellow third-grade math teacher, let's call her "Mrs. Math."

Mrs. Math was having a discussion with her kids about the traits of mammals. More specifically, how mammals get food by drinking milk from their mother's body's. This is an awkward enough topic to discuss with a group of eight year olds, but even more so when they start asking where the milk comes from. Mrs. Math improvised quite well and told the kids that maybe the mother ate some fruit, and then the fruit turned into milk in her body.

Somehow or another, that started one of her students down a very bizarre path of thinking. After a few moments of heavy pondering, he raised his hand and announced, "Mrs. Math! You should eat Mister Teacher, and then you'll get big and strong!"

When she told me this, I told her she should have quoted Johnny Depp from Willy Wonka and said, "No, children, that's called cannibalism, and that's wrong."

On Thursday, one of my little girl's mother's came up to the school to deliver a doctor's note to Mrs. Educator and me. It made for a very interesting read, though some of the technical jargon was a bit over my head.
This is what it said:

K has a functional voiding disturbance which has strained the bladder so that
she has trouble with wetness, holding urine. Please allow the child to go
to the bathroom when she feels the need and encourage her to stay as long as
it takes her to completely empty her bladder. Your cooperation with this is
sincerely appreciated.

A "functional voiding disturbance??!!?" What on earth is that? It sounds like one of those dire side effects that are always listed with prescription medication. Possible side effects of Drugzinol include cotton mouth, snow blindness, explosive flatulence, and functional voiding disturbance.

And we are asked to encourage her to stay as long as it takes her to completely empty her bladder. I guess whenever she is using the bathroom, I should stand outside of the door with pom-poms, cheering, "Push it out, push it out, WAAAAAY out!"

Truly, I don't begrudge someone an actual medical issue. But K is the kind of girl who would and probably will take advantage of this. She was in Mrs. Educator's room when the note was delivered, and coincidentally enough, she needed to use the bathroom as soon as her mother had left. This was around 8:20. Yesterday, when she raised her hand to ask me at around 2:00, she got up and slowly walked past the other kids, grinning and smirking at them like she was on her way to accept the crown for prom queen.

There's already another girl in my afternoon class that presented a similar doctor's note at the beginning of the year. So each afternoon, it's a contest to see which of them will ask first. Not which one will ask -- which one will ask FIRST. Yesterday, after both of them had gone and returned, a boy told me that he needed to go. So of course I had to ask, "Do you have a doctor's note?"

I had a fantastic surprise visitor today. One of my favorite students from my very first year of teaching (actually, one of my all-time favorites) stopped by my classroom around 2:00 today. She's in the seventh grade (she skipped a grade) in a nearby district, and they don't go back to school until next week.

I was right in the middle of working a word problem with the kids when she came in, so I told the kids that we had a guest teacher, and I let her take over for me. My kids from this year seemed absolutely flabbergasted that standing before them was an actual, real life example of someone who had been in my class years ago. They were practically falling over themselves trying to get her to call on them as she went through the steps of the problem.

And then when she was done, she informed me, "I don't really like math."

D'OH!!!

Nevertheless, it was really cool to see her again and to know that she's doing well. Makes me think there's hope for some of these kids after all.

Just an FYI to let you note that the 100th carnival of education is up and running over at Teaching in the Twenty-First Century. Your host is aquiram, so be sure to tip him, at least 20%.

Today was the kids' first day back after Christmas vacation. As expected, there was a lot of information that had been forgotten over the break, many groggy expressions, and a great disdain for having to be back at the school again. But enough about MY attitude; the kids were pretty good.

Before we left for break, several of the kids had given me little gifts. I got some decorative candy containers, a candle or two, a tranquility fountain, and a couple of other items. So today, I handed out thank you cards to those kids who had begifted me. As a stocking stuffer, my mom had given me a set of Justice League thank you notes. Superman, Batman, the Flash, et al. graced the front side, and my heartfelt appreciation graced the inside.

Reactions were mixed. One boy seemed actually embarrassed to be receiving a superhero card from his teacher, while another exclaimed, "I'm too old for Batman!" To which, of course, I replied, "Well I'm not!"

Clearly, I am going to have to go in tomorrow wearing my Batman tie, my green power ring, and maybe even a red cape for good measure. But not my Incredible Hulk underoos. They're in the wash.

Hey everyone, I hope that you all had a wonderful new year, and you're refreshed and ready to grab 2007 by the horns.

Looking back, I had a pretty good 2006. I published a book, I started a blog, I won my fantasy football Super Bowl, I went to my 10 year college reunion, I almost made it into the World Series of Pop Culture, I won a few hands of poker, I watched lots of TV, and I discovered a love for the cranberry.

In the hopes that 2007 provides just as many fantastic experiences, I have decided to make a few resolutions. Here they are, in no particular order:

1) Continue to teach our society's youth the basics and complexities of mathematics -- after all, they are our future.
2) Establish a space base on faraway Pluto. It might not be recognized as a planet anymore, but it still has strategic locational value.
3) Learn a new language. I'm waffling between Mayan and Coptic.
4) Maintain a healthy ratio in my diet between broccoli and pasta. I'm thinking 1:158 sounds about right.
5) Shake hands with James Brown.
6) Create a video for YouTube that will make me a millionaire.
7) Display compassion and patience with the students placed in my care. I'll have to stop snapping them with rubber bands.
8) Discover secret of turning lead into gold. Failing that, discovering secret of turning paper into ketchup would be just as acceptable.
9) Watch the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy (extended editions) back-to-back. Twice.
10) Host a Carnival of Education here on Learn Me Good. It might be awhile before I'm THAT brave, though.

If you have any resolutions that you'd like to share, as always, I welcome comments.

I'd like to take a moment here to mention a new entry into the world of teachers who blog. A buddy who works at my school has started a blog called The Head of the Class. So far, he only has one post, but give it time and I'm sure he'll be able to come up with a second eventually. After that, it's anyone's guess.
For his nom de blog, he has adopted the moniker Ed.U.Cater -- a name worthy of being an e-mail sign off in Learn Me Good (Lulu, $11.99). So if you get a chance, click on over to his blog and do the Internet equivalent of toilet papering his front lawn. Leave a silly comment.