Mister Teacher: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the 162nd edition of the Carnival of Education. We're coming to you live, deep in the heart of March Mathness, and with the big tournament mere days away, we've got analysis on many of the top stories of the week. As always, I'm joined by my easily excitable colleague and friend, Dick Vitale.

Dick Vitale: Thank you, Mister Teach! I'm so excited to get things started, baby! But I have to say, the tournament directors have really made things weird by adding a 65th team! How do you get half of 65?? Somebody needs some Fractorix, baby!

MT: And somebody needs some Valium. Remember Dick, basketball is next week; today we're focusing on educational topics, like this post about integrated math at Wayzata High School, from Matt the Scholar.

DV: Oooh, higher mathematics? When it comes to math, I understand 2-point buckets and the deep 3, baby! The kind of math teams will be doing next week in the Big Dance! But speaking of dancing, you gotta check out NYC Educator's post about Tango class going on in the hallway right outside his classroom!

MT: In the words of Pink Floyd... Hey, Teacher! Leave those dancers alone! And in the words of Lead from the Start, let your kids play! If you don't let them play, it might lead to ADHD!

DV: That's what I always say! Let the kids play, ref! Stop calling so many fouls! But you know something that's really foul with a capital F? This post from Joanne Jacobs that says a court ruled that the strip search of a 13-year-old honor student (accused of hiding Advil!!) was reasonable!

MT: Disgusting indeed. As is the prevalence of cheating in schools today. The Science Goddess reports that "Everybody's doin’ it," but not everyone's definition of cheating is the same.

DV: Like Bill Belichick and the Patriots don't think that videotaping other teams' play calls is cheating!

MT: Stick with the sports you know, Dick. But while we're on the topic of secret videotaping, Scott at Dangerously Irrelevant offers up seven YouTube videos for your viewing pleasure. What do they have in common? They are all short videos of teachers, taken during class with cell phone cameras. These vids will make you sad, angry, and sick to your stomach.

DV: Mister Teach, you're dragging us down, baby! Let's get back into the spirit of March Mathness! Here's something that will take us off the bubble, baby! Just look at these ideas from Music Makes Sense and Day by Day Discoveries about using parachutes and comic books in school! That's Awesome with a capital A, baby!

MT: You're right Dick, and here's another fun post from The Elementary Educator, where he asked his kids outright, "What do you really want to know?" He got some excellent inquiries, including "What does God look like?" "What is the Bermuda Triangle?" and "Does life exist off Earth?"

DV: Life HAS to exist on other planets, because how else can you explain Billy Packer? Life also goes on in other countries, and Mom Is Teaching has a few comments about how Finnish kids are outperforming American kids.

MT: Yeah, well, my guess is that the teachers over there don't have to worry about their students putting nasty videos up on FinTube. Dave on Ed might have something to say about Finland's success. In his Management by Fad he complains (rightfully so!) that when something works in another country, schools over here jump all over it and try to push it into play -- but they don't train the school personnel on how to implement it!

DV: Sounds like those guys need a T.O. baby! Hey, while we're still talking about other countries, I should mention The Tempered Radical’s success stories with using digital applications like VoiceThread and Ustream. His students even Skyped students in Denmark!

MT: Oooh, that sounds dirty! But Mark at elearning would be proud to know that he's not alone in considering the technological world that kids live in nowadays. And this should please Loonyhiker that some teachers at least are ready for 21st-century learning. China is part of the 21st century, but Mama Scheiss can't seem to decide is China purple or is it orange?

DV: When I was in school, we called it RED China! Sometimes Oklahoma seems like a foreign country too, baby! Check out this House bill that proposes to make opinions based on religious beliefs just as valid on tests as opinions based on science.

MT: That's from VJack, and while I don't agree with the theme of his blog, he certainly has a point with this post. You know, Oklahoma's definitely not the only state with some questionable practices. There's quite a brouhaha going on in California, due to a recent court ruling that basically outlaws homeschooling.

DV: Henry at Why Homeschool sounded off about that ruling, and Ms. Cornelius shared her thoughts as well. Also, in light of the recent uproar, Rose ponders whether a teaching credential is really necessary. I wonder what Governor Schwarzenegger says about all this, baby!

MT: Probably something like, "My kids will be tutored by the T-2000. Come with me if you want to learn..." before we leave Cali, Darren of Right on the Left Coast takes a few potshots at the latest issue of California Educator Magazine. Closer to home, here in Texas, we gave out the first round of the Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills last week.

DV: That's right! A lot of Texas teachers weighed in with thoughts and stories about the TAKS! Diaper Dandy Bellringers had ninth graders that day, and when they finished early, she had a hard time keeping them quiet! Also, Nun of the Above shares her thoughts on the TAKS.

MT: Being a Texas teacher myself, I had some Panic a-TAKS as well, and the always unbiased Mike in Texas writes about State Sponsored Torture.

DV: Mike in TX is on my all-Renaissance Team, baby! Just check out his medieval video!

MT: Texas isn't the only one with tests, though. NYC Student has a few Hot Sports Opinions about the Weighted Regents Tests in New York.

DV: You know, Mister Teach, I probably couldn't pass the TAKS or any of those tests even if I had a dictionary and an encyclopedia in front of me!

MT: I'm not going to disagree with you there, Dick. But if you ever have to take the SAT, the good folks at Accepted to College have a few tips on how to optimize your score.

DV: No way, baby! Me and the SAT are a mismatch! A big-time MNMer! You'd have to pay me some serious moolah to get me to take that test again!

MT: Well, no one's going to pay you to take the SAT, Dick. But Out in Left Field reports on a new charter school in New York City that's offering over $125K per year to prospective teachers. Lefty's question is, will money alone attract teachers if there's no assurance of quality?

DV: Sign me up, baby! Right now, I can barely afford lunch at Dairy Queen! But seriously, all that extra money makes me think of the Colossus of Rhodey’s post "I agree with Heather MacDonald." Ms. MacDonald is slamming a proposed incentive program to pay parents to care about their kids.

MT: Hmm… I went to high school with a girl named Heather MacDonald. I often agreed with her, especially whenever she wore those tight sweaters... But I digress. At least sweaters don't need to be tucked in, unlike most shirts at schools with a uniform policy, like mine.

DV: What about the kids who CAN'T tuck their shirts in? That will be more than ever, if Robman’s comments about the state of nutrition and selection in school cafeterias have any merit!

MT: You know who doesn't need to worry about school cafeterias? Homeschooled kids! Becky asks if homeschooled kids are still "real kids" since they don't follow the traditional path.

DV: They are as real as my overuse of the word baby, baby!! Sarah, another homeschooler, points out that we should be wary of relying on Google.

MT: That's good advice! Here's some more! Marc offers "The advice every teacher should give their students" and at Lifelong Learners, Mr. Needleman advises us on the right "Teacher's voice" to use when disciplining students.

DV: Lots of teachers giving advice, but at 3 Standard Deviations to the Left, IB a Math Teacher is seeking it! What do you do when students ask why you're treating other students differently?

MT: A good matchup would be IB and Old Andrew, who has a lot of kids who need to be treated differently in his current "good class." And guest poster Daniel Goleman at SharpBrains can perhaps shed some light, or at least some "Mindsight" on the thoughts behind some childhood feelings.

DV: My feeling right now is I want some sports, baby! Matthew K Tabor compares baseball analysis to educational analysis in "Baseball and Education are Kissing Cousins." That guy can flat out write, I'm tellin’ you!

MT: Well, Dick, speaking of flat, Pass the Torch regales us with the most recent exploits of Flat Stanley (in Europe!). And from the flat to the small, José Vilson imagines what Biggie Smalls might say about school today, were he still alive.

DV: I never followed the rappers, but if we're talking about people no longer with us, how about a crusty old president and a snack cake diva? Elementary History Teacher is making us learn history, baby!

MT: She's very creative, though the folks at Our Educational Books advise parents NOT to put the onus of teaching creative thinking on the teachers -- take on that responsibility yourself!

DV: For a second there, I thought you said anus, not onus, baby! Almost like Terrell at Alone on a Lamb who got too caught up in telling a story and didn't pay attention to how he was misspelling the word "Peninsula!"

MT: I'm sure he would have liked to have spellcheck at that moment. And since computers do so much for us nowadays, Happy Chyck wonders if her kids really need to spend time practicing writing bibliographies.

DV: Bibliographies! Don't they have something to do with books? The Median Sib talks about the advantages of using "Touchstone Texts," or books that the kids read many times over the course of a year so they become very familiar with them.

MT: My Touchstone Text is Learn Me Good, by John Pearson.

DV: Oooooh, blatant self-promotion, baby! You're like the presidential candidates, sneaking in your name wherever you can! John McCain's recent comments on autism and child vaccines led the Eduwonkette to ask if McCain was vaccinated against logic!

MT: I can't speak for McCain, but a few other contributors have made logical claims about the system in general. The English Teacher shares an opinion of why differentiation is necessary, while DaytonOS states public schools need radical reform but asks the question HOW do we as teachers and administrators achieve these goals?

DV: Bring in the Billionaires, baby! David Quintana shares a lengthy, in-depth conversation between the reporter and "five interested parties" discussing "the new world of educational philanthropy."

MT: There you go with the money talk again. You know, sometimes money takes a backseat to free coffee and bagels from the PTA. Though, as Miss Profe points out, some extra time in the workday would be nice, too. Just be sure not to give Edna Lee of Regurgitated Alpha Bits crappy gifts. Especially not tote bags.

DV: Gifts? How about Me-ander’s wish for a day WITHOUT a stink bomb going off in class? Or the concern for Dragonlady when her obvious illness causes a PITA (and you'll have to go there to see what THAT means) to take note?

MT: Let’s also take note of Allison's comment that it's not enough for youths to be mentored and "kept off the streets." She offers a few suggestions for what might be more effective.

DV: Veteran teacher Susan Graham is effective, and she has a few comments on education guru "Checker" Finn’s commentary on Education Week.

MT: On another note, Dr. Homeslice warns of print and media ads, hardly fair and unbiased, targeting teacher’s unions. The Columbus Education Agency has already responded.

DV: Regardless of those attacks, Matt Johnston hopes that Baltimore principals will live by the credo, "With great power comes great responsibility."

MT: And finally, our good friend Joel submits "Around the Blogosphere: NCLB,” a collection of links to posts regarding No Child Left Behind. And that just about does it. Dicky V, I'd like to thank you for being a character, as always.

DV: One more link, baby! M. Cruz of Lesson Plans shows us how to write a paragraph about a character!

MT: Very fitting, my friend. On behalf of all of us at Learn Me Good, I'd like to say it was an honor and a privilege to host the March Mathness Carnival of Education. I hope you've enjoyed it. A link to my post would be greatly appreciated, and I hope that everyone joins in on both the March Mathness Challenge as well as the March Monday Madness Contest. Next week's Carnival will be hosted by Joel at So You Want to Teach? E-mail him or use the handy dandy submission form.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled broadcast.

Do you have any Newcomer classes at your school? In Dallas, we get so many kids from out of the country who speak a language OTHER than Spanish that we had to form new classes specifically for them. Thus was born the Newcomer class.

In today's Mr. Teacher column on education.com, I talk a little bit about the Newcomer classes at my school. It's a little bit of a change of pace from my usual humorous banter, but I think still an interesting read.

Also, this is the very last call for submissions for tomorrow's Carnival of Education. I'm still waiting for entries from a lot of you -- Mrs. T., Happychyk, Ms. C, Simply Sublime, Mrs. Bluebird -- let's get 'em in for the nine o'clock CST deadline tonight!

Don't you just hate losing an hour over the weekend? Well, the good thing for me is that this week is my Spring Break, so I was able to sleep in for that extra hour and make it up this morning.

And since it's Monday, it's time for another INTERACTIVE MONDAY!!!!

This is your second chance to get in on the March Monday Madness contest, for the chance to win a book or a T-shirt! Just leave a response to this post, and you're in!

This week's question is, What will you do over your Spring Break this year?

Normally, my Spring Break is a week later, and it's the week when the college basketball tournament starts. The first round of the tournament is always during the day on a Thursday and a Friday, so in the past few years, I've been able to watch it all. Unfortunately, the tournament starts NEXT week, and I'm off THIS week. So this year, my plans for Spring Break are mostly to relax, catch up on my sleep, and do some writing. I'll be hosting the Carnival of Education this Wednesday, and that involves some writing. I'd also like to get a few weeks ahead on my education.com columns. Oh, and my nephew turns one year old on Thursday, so we'll be celebrating his birthday in style.

OK, whether you're Spring Break is this week or sometime in the future, leave a witty rejoinder and let me know what your plans are!

Be sure to get those Carnival of Education submissions in soon! I'm hosting it this Wednesday, so you need to get my your entries by Tuesday 9PM CST.

The good folks at education.com have put up a review of my novel, Learn Me Good on their site, and it's a great one!

Please check it out, and tell all your pets, I mean friends to check it out as well!

Hello, sports fans! The NCAA men's basketball tournament is still a couple of weeks away, but ESPN has opened up their Tournament Challenge, and so I've jumped on that baby like a flea on a dog.

I'm inviting everyone who reads this to join my ESPN group and to make your bracket picks when they become available. It doesn't matter if you're a college basketball fan or not, it's still lots of fun.

Once the tournament starts, you will be locked out, so you want to go and set up your entry right now. First go here to register, then look for the group called March Mathness.

Hope to see you there!

This is what one of my kids actually said the other day in class. We were having a class discussion, and he had raised his hand. Typically, with my kids, they raise their hands and consider being called on their cue to begin THINKING about what their answer might be. As opposed to me calling on them being their cue to STATE their already thought of answer.

So I call on A, and he gets that look like the gears have begun slowly turning -- eyes rolled back in the head, soul has left the body -- but no answer comes out. Just as I'm about to call on the child in front of him, A says, "I got nothin'."

One of those times I had to just stifle the laughter.

Got a few "quick hits" here, as the local sports station would call them.

Someone pointed out to me that there have only been a few entries to the March Monday Madness Contest, and that therefore their chances of winning were tremendous. Since third grade probability is fresh in my mind, as we covered it last week, I have to admit that this statement is true. Let's change that! All you have to do is leave a comment and you're in the running!

Speaking of contests, I won one!!! Bill over at Instructify ran a contest asking teachers to submit their best mnemonic device (QUITE different from their best pneumatic device) for helping kids remember something academically. I submitted the "Punch It up" method of estimation. And it was deemed the best of the bunch! Sometime over spring break, I should be receiving my prize, which is a very awesome sounding MP3 player!

The 161st Carnival of Education is up and running, this week over at The Education Wonks. I haven't completely sifted through it yet, but it looks like there are a lot of really good entries this week.

Even more pertinent is that the 162nd Carnival of Education will be hosted right HERE at Learn Me Good! I've been watching my number of subscribers climb recently, and I hope that all of you who read my blog on a regular basis will contribute to next week's Carnival. It's really a great way to get extra readers and more exposure. If you have a post that you'd like to contribute, send me an e-mail with the link, or use this handy dandy submission form.

Last but not least -- TAKS is over!!! (At least until April)

Tomorrow is TAKS day, and today's Mr. Teacher column over on education.com is all about the rigamorale that everyone has to go through to get ready and administer the test.

'Nuff said.

Thought I might rerun a column from last year where I sent an imaginary letter to the district about our pre-test prep. Enjoy.

Dear District Personnel:

I began covering aspects of my room today, per instructions for TAKS administrations, but I have begun to realize how futile my efforts are. You see, if I am to remove all the visual aids that might unfairly help my kids during the test, it's not enough for me to merely place construction paper over my number line (so that the kids will not be able to look up and see what number comes after 42) or over my Word Wall (so that the kids will not be reminded of the proper spelling of the word "cylinder" -- even though any question relating to a cylinder will already have the word right there).Verily, even covering up my Classroom Rules, which, granted, ARE mathematically numbered from one to five, or covering up my cursive alphabet strips (I guess so that kids will remember to PRINT their extra work, instead of handwriting it?) is not sufficient!

You see, there are many more things in the classroom environment that might help them on the test. For instance, a child may glance up from his/her exam and notice the shades on the windows. The shades can be pulled up or pulled down, and thinking about these options might remind the child of estimation, where they are required to round up and round down. These shades will need to be removed immediately. Also, the ceiling tiles in my classroom are square in shape AND are arranged in a geometric pattern. I would absolutely hate for a test monitor to enter my room and see how easily a student could be reminded of such topics by simply looking up. I would like to request that my ceiling be removed before the test tomorrow, or at the very least, that a large tarp is provided to cover the tiles.

My third graders go to lunch every day at the same time. They already know when lunch will be served, and they will be constantly thinking throughout the day about how much time they have left until lunch! Do you agree with me that this is a constant reminder of elapsed time? I suggest that no lunch is served on TAKS days, or if that is not possible, that the time to eat is chosen completely at random. Maybe they'll eat at 8:43, maybe they'll eat at 1:59. Oh, and we should also send the kids home at separate times; perhaps some sort of lottery system could be put into play?

Earlier in the year, when we talked about measurement and units of length, we associated each unit of length with a part of the body. An inch is about the length from the tip of the thumb to the first knuckle. A foot is about the length from the elbow to the wrist. I am sad to report that all of the children in my class this year are in possession of thumbs, elbows, and wrists, and this will undoubtedly assist these children in any measurement questions that might arise on the TAKS. I feel that the child's OWN body parts are acceptable help, but other children in the room will be unacceptable visual reminders. Therefore, we will need to administer the TAKS to each child separately, with no other human beings in the room.

Actually, it occurs to me that the classroom itself is a rectangular prism. What can we do about putting each child into an amorphous physical structure?Thanks for taking all of these things into consideration. If you could have some answers back to me by tomorrow morning, I would greatly appreciate it. Otherwise, will have to implement these things next year.

Your loyal servant,

Mister Teacher

Hey everyone, it's March! And as we all know, we can't have March without a little Madness! So to celebrate, let's have ourselves a little contest! (And possibly use a few more exclamation points!!!)

This contest will run through the month of March, and it will tie in to the Interactive Mondays that occur during the month. It's quite simple to enter. All you have to do is leave a comment, answering whatever the question of the week is. Leave a witty rejoinder, and you get one entry. You can only get one entry per week, but you can get multiple entries by participating each week. If I've done my math correctly, there will be FIVE Interactive Mondays in March this year, so if you respond every week, you can have five entries in the March Monday Madness Contest!

I will select two winners once we are in April, and those winners can take their pick of two prize options. Option one is a copy of the heralded, acclaimed, prize-winning novel, Learn Me Good. Option two is a stylish, classy, fashionable T-shirt from the Mister Teacher's Store. There are many designs to choose from, but I'd like to highlight this one, as it goes with the theme of the contest.

So that's it! Simple, right? So let's get on to the question for this week's

INTERACTIVE MONDAY:

If you could not be a teacher, what would your dream job be?

I think that my dream job would be color analyst for men's college basketball games. I'd like to be Dick Vitale, only WITH hair and WITHOUT the screeching. I just can't imagine a better job than one that pays you to travel around and watch the most fantastic sport on the planet. ESPN, look me up, baby!!!

Your turn now, what would you love to do? Leave a witty rejoinder, and then tell all of your friends (or blog readers, as the case may be) about the March Monday Madness Contest!

This morning, the Dallas area had a major storm. When I got to the school at around 7 a.m. the power had gone out and there were no lights in the building. It's a pretty good thing I don't scare too easily, because otherwise I would have been freaking out being the first person to walk down the pitch black third-grade hallway.

Once I used my bat-like sonar and gained access to my classroom, I was able to pull up the shades and let a little bit of light into the room. Then I went back outside and did my usual morning crosswalk duty.

The power was still not back on by the time I picked up my kids, so we ate breakfast in darkness. The kids of course kept asking, "What happens if the lights don't come on on Wednesday?" Referring to Wednesday's TAKS test. I told them they'd have to take it in the dark. Evil, I know. Sorry.

At around 8:10, the power came back on in a very strange fashion. The lights out in the hallway came on, but when I flipped the switches in my classroom, those lights remained off. On a whim, I tried the pencil sharpener, and it worked just fine. I went and turned my computer on. Not sure why all of the electrical outlets worked while the overhead lights did not, but that was the case until around 8:30, when the lights finally came on.

An odd start to the week, and tomorrow is going to be even crazier. Tomorrow is Stupendous Tuesday or Fabulous Tuesday or some such, so there will be voters galore at my school. Stranger danger everywhere you look, and I have a feeling Anonymous Joe and high will have a very hard time keeping them from parking in the student drop-off zone.

Now that Dallas ISD has a student dress code, teachers have become the unofficial enforcers of that code. Most of the kids do wear the collared shirts like they're supposed to, but many if not most of them have a huge problem with tucking their shirts in.

Every year, I tell myself that that is a battle I'm not going to fight because it's just not worth the time and effort. And every year, I get annoyed when I see someone's shirt untucked five seconds after I have just watched them tuck it in.

This year, instead of just ordering the kids to tuck their shirts in every time I see a violation, I have taken to calling names. I tell the kids, "Please don't be a Slobby McSlopslop with your shirt untucked. I'd like to see Spiffy McNeato with the shirt tucked in!"

So whenever I see one of my kids with his/her shirt tail out, I just say, "Hi, Slobby." They instantly know what this means, and tuck their shirt in. When my kids come in with their shirts tucked in, I say, "Look at all of these Spiffy McNeatos I have!"

Truth be told, I can't say that this has caused the kids to uphold the dress code anymore than they did before. But it does add a little humor to the situation. Now I just have to deal with the Talky McBlabbermouths, Snitchy McTattletales, and Burpy McFlatuents...

My old roomie sent me this link today. It's an ESPN analyst named Beanie Cook talking about how clever the Duke Cameron Crazies are. Being a former Crazy myself, I greatly appreciate his viewpoint.

Take that, IMC Guy!! :)

OK, so maybe you recognize my post title as a ripoff of an Oscar-nominated movie. I'm going to write about a topic that ticks me off a bit, so I was tempted to use the title There Will Be Blood...

You know, I'm pretty proud of myself because I can set up a computer system. I am able to operate a DVD player. I even know how to stop the constant flashing of 12:00 on a VCR.

However, I (and the rest of my fellow teachers) am unqualified to run a photocopier. At least, that is what has been decided at my school. What used to be the teachers workroom has now become the teacher's workroom. A subtle difference, I know, but a crucial one.

For the first three years that I taught, we were responsible for making our own copies. Once a week, after planning together, the third-grade math teachers would go to the workroom and copy whatever we were going to use for the next week. If, for some reason, we discovered on a Tuesday that we needed something for Wednesday (or even that very Tuesday!), we could dash into the copy room and get what we needed.

But then that power was taken out of our hands, and someone was brought in to make the copies for us. I have absolutely nothing against this person. She's a very nice lady, and we get along just fine, and there are usually very few problems with getting copies when we need them.

However, when she's out sick -- as she has been for most of this week -- we're pretty much screwed.

Not only is there no one else allowed to use that copier when she is gone, but we are not even allowed into the room. Which means that in addition to the copier, everything else in that room -- pencil sharpeners, letter punch blocks, butcher paper, the cutting block, etc. -- is inaccessible.

So tomorrow, we were going to give a test and a quiz, but we have no copies. I turned in the copy request on the test on Monday, but she went home sick before she could get to it. I can still give the quiz by writing the problems on the overhead and having the kids copy them on to looseleaf paper, but that's just not possible with the test.

I guess all I can say for now is Copy Lady, Please Get Well Soon!!!

Today when I took my kids to the cafeteria for lunch, one of the teacher's aides was already in there screaming at the kids to be quiet. This is sadly the norm for our cafeteria, and for that teacher's aide in particular.

As I entered the cafeteria myself, I heard her yelling, "Estudiantes no hablando!!"

Right then I was walking past one of my students who has a voice that sort of sounds like Goofy from Walt Disney cartoons. As the teacher's aide continued to shout, I heard this student say very calmly, "I don't even speak Spanish."

Not frightened by the yelling, not instructed -- merely with a shrug of his shoulders, as if to say, "What's the deal lady? Have some fish sticks and stop shouting."

This week's Mr. Teacher column over on education.com is all about lesson plans. You know what I'm talking about. If you work in my district, you can relate to the excess paperwork that we're dealing with here. If you work in another district, you might have very similar stories.

And of course, they keep telling us that next year, even MORE detail will be required...

Stop by, leave a comment, etc.

Not that I watch them or anything, but I did hear rumors that the Academy Awards were on Sunday night. As usual, I've hardly seen any of the movies up for Best Picture award, so the presentations really just don't mean that much to me.

But, I thought the topic might make for a fun edition of this week's

INTERACTIVE MONDAY!!!

Here's this week's suggestion: Pick a movie, any movie, that you have seen in the theaters this year and assign it your own made up award.

I'll go first. Last month, I saw The Dewey Cox Story: Walk Hard. I hereby bequeath this motion picture with the award Best Movie to Avoid on a First Date, Seeing As How It Contains Scenes of Full Frontal Male Nudity. (and the crowd goes wild)

Your turn!

Hey everyone,
Tomorrow is my birthday, so I thought I might make a couple of birthday wishes.

1) That everyone who reads this might go to Amazon.com and order a copy (or 5) of my book, Learn Me Good!

2) Barring that, that everyone might at least go to Lulu.com and read the first couple of chapters of Learn Me Good and talk it up to their friends!

3) That Duke will make the Final Four, seeing as how I just procured tickets to San Antonio this year.

4) That all of my kids will pull their heads out and pass the TAKS!

5) That ABC will decide to prolong the television season so Lost can show their full 8 episodes for this season.


In the meantime, I heard some very interesting things last week related to birthdays and aging. On Friday, my kids were asking me how old I was going to be this week. When I told them I was going to turn 35 on Thursday, I heard three things almost simultaneously.

One of my kids said, "My mom is 23."

Another of my kids said, "My mom is 24."

And a third of my kids said, "My grandmother is older than you!"

My thoughts at the time were that I would certainly hope that their grandmother was older than me, and doing some quick math, that their moms must of been 15 and 16 when they gave birth to the kids in my class!

Yikes!

During one of the recent episodes of Lost (like my favorite show in the history of ever), they flashed a promo up for going online and posting a video with your theory of what the heck is going on in the show. So of course I jumped at that, posted my video on Sunday, and it finally showed up online today.

It's called The True Oceanic 6 (I know, meaningless if you don't watch Lost), and it's a bit tongue-in-cheek, a bit legit. Check it out and see what you think! Even if you don't watch Lost, you can always boost my numbers of viewers. ;)

This week's topic of the Mr. Teacher column over on education.com is related to one of our early science projects that we do every year. In studying plants and seeds, we try to observe how seeds sprout. Notice I say "try" because my seeds never seem to sprout as they're supposed to.

Please take a trip over to education.com and check out the full article here!

Good evening everyone, as you might gather from the title of this post, I am not too enamored with a test I took today after school. Actually, I am currently exhibiting extreme self-control not to express exactly how ticked off I am at this test.

Here in Texas, we call it the TELPAS. Don't ask me what it stands for -- I'm sure the T is for Texas, and the rest is a bunch of crap. It's a test that teachers have to take in order to be able to rate writing samples from kids of Limited English Proficiency (LEP). Teachers go online and view collections of four or five writing samples, and they have to rate them -- beginning, intermediate, advanced, or advanced high. The ratings are EXTREMELY subjective, and this is what upsets me so much.

I spent nearly 2 hours online today after school looking at example passages and then taking this stupid test. There were 15 collections to analyze. In order to pass the test, I had to rate 10 of them correctly. So of course, you can probably guess how many I got right. NINE.

So this leads me to this week's

INTERACTIVE MONDAY!!

Here's the question for the week:

Have you ever had to go through anything completely subjective like this, and what was it like? Please share your stories of frustration, triumphant, and heartbreak.

Meanwhile, I'll go take solace in some left over Valentine's Day candy.

Last week, there were some very interesting developments with some of my most difficult students.

First, one of the boys who has gotten under my skin since day one, I'll just call him A, withdrew on Friday, so he will not be back next week. I know this is extremely unprofessional and callous of me to say, but -- WOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!! YIPPPEEEEEEEEE!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

OK, moving on... One of my other little boys who has been a behavior problem all year long in addition to doing just about nothing in class has made a little bit of progress. There have been several times this year when I have gotten on his case about not putting any effort forth whatsoever, and he has responded with a sad sack story about how he's not smart like everyone else, and his mom has told him he's not like the other kids. In other words, he's used his academic troubles in the past as a crutch in the present. I won't stand for that kind of thing, and without using profanity, I've told him how that's a bunch of BS.

Two weeks ago, I sat in on a failure ARD with this boy, his mother, the school principal, and a few others. He tried to pull this same bit again, and we all pretty much shot it down. But finally, he seems to have taken our attitude to heart. The day after the ARD, he scored an 80 on his test over number lines, which is one of his highest scores all year long. This past week, our topic was estimation and rounding, and he did the work with us -- and did it correctly -- all week long. Every time I saw him doing the work, I tried to make a big deal about praising him and complementing him on how awesome he was at rounding.

On Wednesday, I sent a note home with him to his mother, telling her how he had really been making an effort, and doing very well on the classwork, and how proud I was of him for that. Also how that proved that he was capable of doing the work when he put his mind to it. The next day, he brought me a note that HE had written saying that I was the best teacher, and how he loved math and (this is the funny part) how much better his behavior is now that he is taking his pills. On the test on Friday, he scored a 100. Now if we could just get him to put some effort into reading class.

Lastly, I heard something very interesting about one of my troubled girls, who has been a pain in my denominator all year long. This girl just enjoys pushing people's buttons. She makes bad decisions, cries when she gets in trouble, but smirks about it when she's being reprimanded. She's constantly being put in time out -- not just in my room or Miss Jenn Ed's room -- but also in art, PE, the lunchroom, the gym before school starts, etc.

We got her mother some paperwork for a counseling group, and the mother enrolled her. So for the past couple of weeks, a counselor comes by the school every once in awhile to see her and to talk to us. She came by my room on Friday and asked about the little girl's behavior in class. So I unloaded, telling her everything that she liked to do. The counselor told me that she thought it was very interesting that despite all of the negative things the girl does in my class, when asked who her favorite teacher was, she answered with Mister Teacher.

Some people have a very strange way of showing favoritism, I suppose.

I'm hoping this week is a stellar week. My birthday is on Thursday, one of the terrors is gone from my school, another seems to have turned a new leaf, and yet another thinks of me as her favorite teacher. Hey, if the cafeteria would just serve chopped barbecue beef sandwiches for lunch, I'd be in heaven!

A few observations from the Valentine's Day party at school today:

A couple of kids who did not bring ANYTHING for anybody else sat at their desks and shouted, "I didn't get one of those yet!" at the kids who DID bring things for everybody.

A couple of kids brought a box of Valentines that had no names on them, despite me handing out a list of class names on Tuesday. They then expected to be able to fill out the information on each card within 10 minutes.

My visually impaired student kept coming up to me and asking, "Mister Teacher, who is this one for? Who is THIS one for?" because he couldn't read the names his mom had printed on the cards.

A couple of kids brought ginormous bags of Hot Cheetos, and shared them by dumping a handful on each desk.

The little girl with pink eye was handing out cupcakes and frosted cookies. And I do mean HANDING them out. (My class tomorrow might look like a bad Kodak photograph.)

I now have enough candy to last until Halloween.

Sleep now.

This week's Mr. Teacher column on education.com is all about integrating sports into the classroom. I'm not talking about handing out hockey equipment and asking the kids to high stick each other, but rather attempts to tailor lesson plans to fit sports interests.

Of course, I reference Placeball and March Mathness. There are even a few new suggestions in there. And if I've missed something, please feel free to leave me a comment there on the education.com web site!

Phineus left a hilarious comment already:

"How about an American Gladiator style, you answered wrong to 8 times 8 -- get in the gauntlet, Jimmy. Go."

Monday, Monday -- can't trust that day. But now there is something you can trust...

INTERACTIVE MONDAY!!!

Thanks to everyone who has been participating. And unlike the television show Lost, you can jump right into this one even if you're new!

Here's this week's question:

What is the funniest thing a student has said to you this year?

If this were funniest thing EVER, I'd probably go with the kid who informed me, "My bowels be runnin'!"

However, since I did specify THIS year, I think I'll go with a quote that was directed towards me out on the playground. I was walking out of the cafeteria with my class after lunch, and one of my boys asked me,

"Mister Teacher, what's wrong with your balls?"

"Excuse me?" I replied.

He continued, "How come we haven't been able to take your basketballs outside for recess in a long time?"

Good thing I asked him to clarify, huh?

OK let's hear from you now!!

A story in the Dallas Morning News warns that it may very soon be illegal and fineable to use a cell phone for calls or texting in a DISD school zone.

Yeah, that's all well and good to make that announcement, but what I really want to know is -- who exactly are they expecting to enforce this law?

As you know, I work out in the school zone every morning before classes. And I consistently see people speeding -- parents, teachers, and bus drivers -- which I'm pretty certain is illegal as well. But what is happening to these people? Absolutely nothing. I think there was ONE day, last year, when a police officer was near the school and wrote a couple of tickets.

But otherwise, the speed limit is not enforced. Anonymous Joe and I tell people to slow down, but we have no real authority over them (and usually the people just tell us that they were going 20 anyway, even when it's obvious they were going over 30). If they pass this law that makes cell phones illegal in the school zone, that will just serve as another annoyance to Anonymous Joe and me. Because WE'LL be the ones that have to tell people, "You know, it's illegal now to use your cell phone in the school zone." To which people will undoubtedly reply, "I was just holding my phone, I wasn't using it," or, "I know, but this is a really important call!"

My suggestion to the city of Dallas is don't worry about proposing new laws until you put a system in place to enforce the existing ones. Assign a police officer to park his car in the street right behind my school, and I guarantee you he'll be busy for an hour writing tickets.

I'm not even suggesting that we need a police officer for every school for every day. But how about rotating them randomly through a set of schools so that they're at my school one day every two weeks. And no one will know when that day is going to be. THEN maybe people will have the fear in them enough to actually drive the speed limit.

And only then will people have the fear in them not to use a cell phone when dropping their kids off.

Howdy folks,

It's been a REALLY long week, so I'm finally getting around to some housecleaning. Of course, I don't mean that in the literal sense, as my house looks like a wild pack of warthogs has been using it as a base camp.

But seeing as how I completely lost my voice on Monday, had an afterschool doctor's appointment on Tuesday, then went to a gathering to see a friend who's been out of the country for six months, then had afterschool tutoring, another doctor's appointment, and Ash Wednesday services the next day, THEN was the guest speaker at my old high school's National Honor Society induction on Thursday night -- it's been a busy week! Not to mention the fact that my partner was out for the first three days, so I was doing a lot during the day to help her class out as well. The really big part of all that was the honor society talk. I am SO relieved that that is over, as I really do not like public speaking. It went really well, and it was a great experience, but leading up to it, I was a nervous wreck.

Anyway, this week's Carnival of Education looks like it was a super fabulous one. It's up and running over at The Colossus of Rhodey. Kauai Mark (substitute extraordinairre) offers some advice on getting a classroom clean (and dealing with fourth-graders who shout "POOP!" randomly), Oldandrew touches on the subject of a common nightmare, shared by many teachers (including yours truly), and Bellringers shares her Top Five list of overall dumb things done by students.

Check it out, and enjoy wandering the aisles!

This week's Mr. Teacher column over on education.com is all about my school's recent decision to move breakfast from the cafeteria to the classroom. We've been doing it for a couple of months now, and overall, I'd say the response has been tepid at best.

Read all about it over at education.com!

In other news, my partner officially has the flu (strain B), and I went to the doc's today and got prescriptions for flu medication (just in case) and pills that will hopefully give me my voice back before my honor society talk on Thursday night! Fingers crossed, please!

I have a boy in my class whose mother is deaf. Lately, he's been uncharacteristically mischevious (to put it nicely), so we've been trying to set up a conference with his mother. Of course, we need to have an interpreter to help us communicate with her. I had a similar situation last year, so I dug out a business card for a district interpreter that helped us back then.

Last Friday, I sent home a note with this boy, A, saying that I had spoken with the interpreter, and she was free to conference this week, either on Tuesday at 3:00 or on Wednesday or Thursday at 1:25. I asked her to choose one of those three options that was best for her.

This morning, I asked A if his mother had written back to me, and he pulled out the note. She had written, "I will come on Thursday at 3:00."

Uhhhh, I hope you don't. This reminds me of the old Sesame Street skit where Grover would say, "I would like a hamburger and a Coke!" And the waiter would reply, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't have any hamburgers." To which Grover would respond, "OK then, I'll have a hamburger and a Pepsi!"


In related news, my partner, Ms. Jenn Ed, has been out with a fever for the past couple of days, and I have completely lost my voice. If one of us were to turn green, I think we could combine for a clinical case worthy of House.

Just shows ya how freakin' busy I've been...

Last Wednesday, Learn Me Good the blog turned two years old. I can't believe I've been doing this for 730 days and change now...

:)

The cake is a little stale, but have a piece!

Greetings everyone! I'm getting an early start on Monday's post, which is the second in my

INTERACTIVE MONDAY

series. Thanks to everyone who participated last week. We all learned a lot about what our fellow teachers really enjoy teaching.

This week, the question is:

What was your favorite Superbowl commercial?

This is of course assuming that you actually watched the game (and watched the commercials), but even if you didn't, you can always watch them online.

I wasn't overly impressed with a lot of them, but I did find the Bud Light commercial with the cavemen pretty funny. "WHEEL SUCK!!" "BOTTLE OPENER SUCK!!"

And the E*Trade commercial with the talking baby buying stock and then spitting up was frankly disturbing. Though, truth be told, the one time I tried to buy stock online, I spit up afterwards.

OK, your turn! Share your thoughts!!

It's Wednesday, so it's time for the Carnival of Education! This week's Carnival is hosted by Mathew and his site Creating Lifelong Learners. There are some interesting posts, including one by Mrs. Bluebird about what her students are REALLY saying when they talk about the weather, and this one over at Joanne Jacobs that asks if it's OK to pay students when they do well on tests. I've certainly considered that one myself.

Hey, if you haven't seen Fractorix yet, go check it out right now! And if you HAVE seen Fractorix, why the heck haven't you commented on it yet? Chop chop, get to it!

And while we're talking videos, let me humbly submit one of my very first attempts at a school-related video. This one is called, "Kids, Don't Tattle." Tattling has really gotten on my nerves this year, as I have several students who would rather tattle than breathe.

This week's Mr. Teacher column over on education.com is all about those kids who are supposed to wear glasses, but don't. You know what I'm talking about.

There are some pretty cool styles of glasses out there nowadays! It's not like today's kids are wearing 3 inch thick coke bottle specs. But some of them would just rather have blurry vision I guess.

Anyway, check it out and leave some feedback!

Hey everyone,

To celebrate my ginormous overnight increase in RSS subscribers, I was thinking about some ways to get my posts a bit more audience participation. I truly appreciate everyone that comments, and I was hoping to get more people involved.

So, here is my idea (in really big letters):

INTERACTIVE MONDAY!!!!

I will pose a question, and then give my own answer, and then I welcome everyone else to submit their own responses to this question.

So here's the question:

Within the material that you teach (or have taught), what is your favorite topic and why?

For me, there are several aspects of the math curriculum that I enjoy teaching. This week in fact is one of my favorite topics, geometry, which at a third-grade level, is identifying two-dimensional and three-dimensional shapes. It's hard to get kids to differentiate between pyramids and prisms, but it's always enjoyable and relatively simple.

But I have to say that my favorite part of the year comes when science class focuses on the solar system. I really enjoy talking about planets and demonstrating what rotations and revolutions look like. And when I name of some of the moons of the other planets, like Phobos and Deimos, Ganymede, Io, etc, the kids go into hysterics. Which is quite ironic, considering some of the names these kids have been blessed with by their parents.

I also like talking about the solar system because I get to mask my giggle fits when the kids start talking about Uranus.

OK, the floor is open to discussion! Thanks in advance to all participants -- no lurking allowed!!

On Friday, Ms. Jenn Ed and I were scheduled to have our second Lunch Bunch, for the kids in our classes who had done all of their homework for the previous three weeks. You may recall, the first time we did Lunch Bunch, we had a whopping 11 students (out of 41 on our rosters) who had done all of their homework. This time around, we saw a massive increase, as the Lunch Bunch swelled to THIRTEEN students!

Unfortunately, I had an extremely long day on Thursday -- I was at the school from 7 a.m. until 8 p.m. -- and I just didn't have the energy to run by the store that night to buy ice cream. So Friday morning, I informed the kids that we would be moving the Lunch Bunch to Monday, when I would have a chance to get ice cream. They told me, almost unanimously, that they didn't care about the ice cream. They just wanted to do the Lunch Bunch with their teachers. I say ALMOST unanimously, because one of the little bratty girls in my class began shouting that she DID care about the ice cream. I had to force myself to use a gentle tone while reminding her that she was not in fact a member of the Lunch Bunch, and that her opinion on the issue mattered less than my opinion on No Child Left Behind.

So we had our Lunch Bunch, and it was a stellar affair full of revelry. I even bonded with one of my kids over our mutual taste in comic book superheroes. As part of their lunch, all of the kids had gotten Ring Pops. Several of them were holding them up in the air exclaiming, "Look! We're superheroes!"

I mentioned to the boy sitting next to me that only the kids with GREEN Ring Pops were really superheroes, because they could be the Green Lantern. The boy looked at me with disdain and stated, "I don't care about the Green Lantern. I would rather be The Flash."

In case you're not aware, I have a strong affinity with The Flash. I've always loved that character, and that was even my perennial Halloween costume for about six years running, no pun intended.

So I looked at the boy with newfound respect and asked, "You like The Flash?" He nodded, and then said in his pristine French accent, "If Superman and The Flash had a race, The Flash would win. I think it is because The Flash is the master of running, and Superman is the master of flying."

That boy is going to go far.

In sadder news, I lost one of my little sweethearts on Friday. One of our apartment complexes closed over Christmas break, and all of the residents had to move. Unfortunately, this little girl in my class moved to a nearby apartment that feeds into ANOTHER elementary school. When our office discovered this, they withdrew her.

I was in a meeting late Friday afternoon, and I got back to my room just minutes before three o'clock. Just in time to see the little girl walk out of Ms. Jenn Ed's classroom in tears. She walked up to me, gave me a big hug, and said, "I sure am gonna miss you."

I sure am going to miss her too. She was an island of sweetness and behavior in this year's choppy waters of insolence and apathy.

Saw an article in the paper today that said a nearby school district, Lake Dallas, will be staggering their end-of-year date next year. Everyone will start on August 25, but only the students who pass the TAKS will finish school on May 22. Those who do not pass TAKS will go an additional two weeks and finish in June.

How great is this? I can't wait to see how works out, because I think this could actually be an incentive even to those completely apathetic kids that seem to be filling the seats nowadays. Sometimes it seems like failing grades mean nothing to them, having privileges taken away means nothing to them, even being held back a grade means nothing to them.

But who in his right mind doesn't want an extra two weeks of summer vacation???

Man, if I was on the board of education in my district, I would be putting this plan into action TONIGHT.

Just think how it will affect the teachers, also. It won't be an extra two weeks of vacation for them, but during those two weeks, they will have much smaller classes, and they can really focus intensely on getting those kids up to speed.

I'm so jealous!

Yours truly is the guest of honor over on another blog today --So You Want To Teach? Joel has graciously allowed me to post a top 10 list over there. It's the Top Ten Rejected Meanings of TAKS.

Coming soon, to a T-shirt near you.

Well, well, well, 2008 is shaping up to be a very busy year!

A couple of weeks ago, Learn Me Good was placed on the Dallas Morning News DISD blog as a permanent link. (Now if I could just get them to review my book!)

This Friday, I will be "guest blogger" over at Joel's site, So You Want To Teach? (Now if I could just get Joel to review my book!)

Next Wednesday, I will be attempting the Jeopardy online contestant test. If I successfully pass that, I will undoubtedly go on to reach Ken Jennings-esque proportions of wealth and fame. (I wonder if Alex Trebek would review my book?)

On February 7, I will be the guest speaker at my old high school's National Honor Society induction ceremony. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to keep a group of 300 or so high school students interested in what I'm saying, but as long as I can find some way to keep the flop sweat from showing too badly, I think I'll survive. It's still a few weeks away, so I'm not a raving lunatic of anxiety just yet, but we're getting there.

On March 12, I will be hosting the Carnival of Education here at Learn Me Good! I figured it was about time for me to step up to the plate and throw the party at my house. By the way, the current episode of CoE is up and running over on The Median Sib. Stop by and grab some hors d'oeuvres.

On April 5 and April 7, my dad and I will be attending the Final Four at the Alamodome in San Antonio. It's been 11 years since we were there last, and we had a blast. I'm expecting more of the same this year -- and if the Duke Blue Devils somehow find their way clear to joining us there, well that's just gravy.

Over the summer, I plan on working intensively on the sequel to Learn Me Good, tentatively titled Learn Me Gooder. I'll probably procrastinate a bunch like I did last summer, but as of today, I plan on marketing it as the next summer blockbuster. Look for it in Pottery Barns, Dockers Outlet Stores, and Victoria's Secrets near you.

July 24-27, I will be in San Diego at Comic Con. I can barely keep the geek inside of me contained on this one. I'll be making the road trip out there with one of my best friends (who actually suggested it a few weeks ago), and I am totally psyched. I'm not one to squeal and swoon over meeting stars, but the very thought of the possibility of having my picture taken with some of the cast members from Lost, Heroes, or Battlestar Galactica gives me goosebumps.(I wonder if Claire the Cheerleader would review my book?)

As for the rest of the year, who knows? The sky's the limit. Anybody else have future travel plans? Feel free to share!

I'm sorry to disappoint all of you Princess Bride fans out there, but the fact is RSS does NOT stand for Rodents of Substandard Size. But then, to quote Princess Bride once again, Get used to disappointment. ;)

No, RSS stands for Really Simple Syndication, and it is a tool that is widely becoming more popular and more used. It's almost, sort of, not exactly, but pretty much like TiVo for your television. Instead of having to scour the TV Guide and set up your timer for each program that you want to catch, you just tell your TiVo the name of the program that you want to watch, and it records it for you whenever that show comes on. If the show doesn't come on, nothing gets taped. If the sci-fi channel shows a New Year's Day marathon, every episode gets taped.

RSS serves a similar purpose for the Internet community. Instead of hopping from one blog to the next, taking a peek in the hopes that something new has been posted, all you have to do is subscribe to that blog's RSS feed. Then whenever new content is published to that blog, you're feed reader is automatically updated and notifies you (boop-boop TiVo sound effect not included).

Joel, over at So You Want to Teach? has done an excellent job of promoting his RSS feed and explaining it in a way that everyone can understand it. I have attempted to explain it, but you might want to check out his version all the same.

So why am I even talking about RSS feeds, TiVo, and the sci-fi channel? Well because I want more subscribers, of course! Those of you who are regular readers of Learn Me Good, I certainly appreciate your business, and I hope that you keep coming back. I know there are some times, though, that I go for days without making a post. Subscribing to the Learn Me Good feed would keep you updated on when I've posted something new. Since many of you are already subscribers, I'll even go one step farther and make a request. I would be eternally grateful if you could think of just one person that you could recommend Learn Me Good to as a new subscriber. Just think about all of the fun conversations you could have over lunch! Who will Kate choose on Lost? What will Simon's next snarky comment be on American Idol? Can you believe what Mister Teacher said yesterday on Learn Me Good?

And for those of you who are new or visiting here at Learn Me Good, why not give me a chance to win you over? Put me into your feed reader and read a few posts. I guarantee, if your acne hasn't cleared up after three weeks, I'll give you your money back.

Here's the link you need to click to get things going: http://feeds.feedburner.com/learnmegood

I'm looking forward to RSSing all of you real good in the near future!

Howdy folks, Here's your Tuesday invitation to check out this week's Mr. Teacher column over on education.com.

It seems like kids are able to remember material so much more easily when the material is put to a catchy song. So why can't we do that with EVERYTHING? In this week's column, I attempt a few lyrics that could help kids remember things like volume, the three branches of government, and spelling words with a silent k.

Check it out! And please, validate my very existence by leaving a comment! :)

Raise your hand if you've ever heard THAT question asked by one of your students before.

The kind way to answer this is, of course, "Not only is 50 NOT good, it's so bad that when you make a 50, it's going to rain because angels are crying."

Recent discussion here in Texas has centered around those grades of 50. Currently, 50 is the lowest allowable grade on a child's report card. If little Jimmy did absolutely no work whatsoever during a grading period, he still gets a 50 on his report card. Now educators are crying, "Jimmy earned a zero, let's give him a frakkin' zero!"

Thankfully, in third grade, I haven't had many kids who do absolutely nothing in class. Even the lazy ones do at least take their tests and do some of the class work. I've also been told that if a child is going to fail, I should give him/her a 68 or a 69 rather than a grade in the 50s. That way, if the child gets his act together, he could scrape together an overall passing grade for the semester.

It will be interesting to see in the next few months how this debate turns out. Kids will have to actually EARN a 50 if the protesters win their case.

I wonder what would happen if I did absolutely no duties of my job whatsoever. Would I still be given 50% of my salary?

I'm going to the Final Four, baby!

I was victorious in my quest on eBay, and I managed to score two tickets in the Alamodome!! Sure, I'll have to bring a box or two of Kleenex since I'll be in the nosebleed section, and the players on the court might look like ants, but I'LL BE THERE!!!!!

WOOHOO!!!!!

Now, the only problem will be if the final four teams are North Carolina, Kentucky, Connecticut, and Michigan. I'll have a hard time rooting for anyone if that's the case.

Not quite hump day yet, but it IS time for another Mr. Teacher column over on education.com!

This week, the topic is that mystical aspect of maturing that third-graders SOMETIMES display upon coming back from winter holidays. Unfortunately, my kids this year don't seem to have metamorphosed just yet.

Check it out, and if you're REALLY cool you'll even leave a comment and rate it! :)

Benchmark tests are being given this week, and they are always an annoying interruption to our instructional schedule. We have to rearrange our rooms, proxy another class while they test, and lose hours of valuable class time.

Today was the math benchmark. There was a question on this test that asked, "What is the best estimate for the height of a table?"

A) 30 yd.
B) 30 ft.
C) 30 in.
D) 30 mi.

The majority of kids in the third grade chose B, 30 ft.

This reminded me of an afterschool jam session I was present for last year. One of the math department people from the district had come to our school to talk to all of the math teachers. One of the specific examples that she referenced was a question on a previously given TAKS test that said, "What is the best estimate for the length of a boot?"

A) 7 yd.
B) 7 ft.
C) 7 in.
D) 7 mi.

Of course we all knew that many of the kids had chosen 7 feet as their answer.

The lady asked us, "So what do you think you should be asking a kid who chooses 7 feet as their answer?"

I responded, somewhat reasonably I thought, "Can you show me how big 1 foot is?" My thinking was that they probably didn't know how big a foot was compared to how big an inch was.

How very foolish of me.

The lady practically ignored me and shouted, "You should ask that child, 'Whose foot are you measuring?'"

Like some kid is actually going to picture Big Tex in his mind and think the question is about him.

But, I am of course a district drone, so I suppose tomorrow I will be asking a lot of kids,

"Whose table are you measuring?"

At some point today, Learn Me Good hit the 50,000 mark.

That's pretty darn cool. Now if I could just sell that many books or get that many views on YouTube I would be set for life.

There was a story in the Dallas Morning News yesterday about how several Texas school districts are handing pertinent information, such as Social Security numbers, over to a private software company. The information in question happens to be identifying data for kindergartners in these schools. Oh, and all of this is being done without the parents' permission.

That just sounds wrong on principle. But here is the statement in the article that really stood out to me:

A privacy expert says thousands of 5- and 6-year-olds are vulnerable to identity
theft as a result.

When I read this, I just had a mental image of little schoolchildren crying and claiming, "But I didn't get my chocolate milk yet! You gave it to someone else!"

REMINDER!!!

Please continue to tell people about Fractorix, as the more views it registers, the more visible it will become to people outside of the education field. And if you haven't yet left a comment over on YouTube, please go and do that!

This week's Carnival of Education is up and running, this time at the blog of The Columbus Education Association.

The generous hosts there were kind enough to include TWO of my submissions this week -- the education.com column about The Bourne Congruency, AND the Fractorix video!

Looks like lots of good articles over there, so check them out!

I have to say, I am particularly proud of my Mr. Teacher column on education.com this week. As many of you know, I am a television/movie fanatic. So I seize any chance I get to write plot descriptions for fake movies and TV shows that are based on actual movies and TV shows!

In the column this week, I suggest a few filler shows and movies for the gap that has been created due to the writers' strike. There are takeoffs on Die Hard, the A-Team, and the Bourne franchise, among others.

Check it out, and if you like it, please leave a comment!

Don't you just hate all of those prescription medication commercials on television nowadays? I don't want to see a turtle smoking a cigarette, I don't need to view people that look a lot like food items, and I most certainly don't need to see 60 year old men getting turned on by a little blue pill.

So instead of witnessing any more of these commercials, I decided to make my own. I put it up on YouTube today.

Check it out, and if you like it, please tell your friends about it!

I realize that some people may have already gone back to school, but for me, this is my last weekend of freedom before classes resume on Tuesday. So I thought I would do something a little interactive.

If you are a reader of this blog, please leave a comment with some details about how you spent your break.

As for me, I slept in way too much, played way too much Guitar Hero, and spent way too much time surfing the net.

Let's hear from everyone else!

Alas, today is a very depressing time for many teachers, at least throughout the local area. This is the last week day that we have off before returning to class. The kids don't return until next Tuesday, but we have to report back to school on Monday.

The problem is that Monday is not a teacher preparation day. I just learned this yesterday from a fellow teacher. I knew that we would be having some meetings on Monday, but I figured we would also have several hours to work in our classrooms. This is necessary, as we usually return from break to find that all of the furniture in our rooms has been rearranged for the purpose of cleaning the floors.

But according to one of my other friends, who is on my school's leadership team, Monday is strictly a staff development day, devoted to nothing but staff meetings and seminars. January 22, on the other hand, is the designated teacher preparation day. January 22 is a Tuesday, immediately following Martin Luther King Jr. Day which is a no-school Monday.

So two weeks AFTER we return from Winter Break, we get a day to rearrange our classroom and get our papers in order.

It's just nice to know that the district has its priorities in order.

Well, time for me to get out of here and go decorate my Christmas tree and string up the lights on my house!

Happy Wednesday, people!

This week's Carnival of Education is hosted by Joel over at So You Want to Teach? The good fellow even put my Christmas update in as his number 2 choice of the week! It's good to be number 2.

Hello everyone, Welcome to the year 2008! Who knew this tiny third rock from the sun would still be around?

Since it is Tuesday, I feel the need to throw a few pointers towards the current Mr. Teacher column over on education.com. This week, it's all about the New Year's resolutions. See if you can pick out the actual resolutions from the facetious ones.

Also, I decided that 2008 is going to be the year that I finally give eBay a try. I've been monitoring NCAA final four tickets for a month or two now (with no success), but now I've actually got an item up for sale! Go on over there and bid a couple of hundred dollars. I'll be your best friend.

Happy new year everyone. Don't forget to continue signing the guestbook from a couple of posts ago!

Hello readers!

It's 2008! Or at least, as I'm writing this, it WILL be 2008 in just a few hours. So like they say in the song, "May old acquaintance be forgot..." and let's make some new acquaintances!

As I like to do at the beginning of a new year, I'm going to throw open the guest book once again!

Here's how this works -- if you are reading this, please leave a comment listing your name, your ___location, and one interesting fact about yourself.

I look forward to hearing from all of you in the new year!

Be safe!

As astute viewers of this blog may have noticed, I have taken down the graphic that displays how long it has been since I sent my book, Learn Me Good, to Oprah.

That's right, it was a year ago today that I dropped a copy of my novel in the mail, with dreams of stardom dancing through my head. 365 days later, not even a rejection letter rubber stamped by the big woman herself.

Sure, I can naïvely hope that my book is packaged away somewhere, misplaced in a large crate in some anonymous warehouse, right next to the Ark of the Covenant. And that someday soon, Oprah or some member of her team will happen upon it and declare it the next Great American Novel.

More likely, however, pages 135 through 142 are lining the bottom of her parrot's birdcage.

Oprah, if you're reading this, please at least take a glance at the content before Polly does her business??

Merry Christmas, everyone! It's a day late, but here is the weekly reminder about Tuesday's Mr. Teacher column on education.com.

This week, I advise parents to be aware of what their kids are wearing to school. For instance, anything with the word "juicy" stitched across the butt is a general fashion no-no...

Check it out and let me know what you think!

I don't normally write a form letter at the end of the year. But I get plenty of them, so I figured, why not? Here is what I sent out this year...


Merry Christmas, everyone! It's that time of year for rum-heavy eggnog, recycled fruitcakes, and long form letters to friends and family, recapping the entire year!

I normally don't do this sort of thing, but since I am supposedly an actual "writer" now, and since everyone else does it, I figured now would be as good a time as any to begin. So without any further ado, here was my 2007 in a nutshell.

In January, the new year started off with a bang as I woke up at 12:30 p.m. Sleeping in rocks! On the 27th, I walked around my neighborhood for an hour, thus fulfilling my resolution to exercise more in the new year.

February was a time for new love, and shortly after Valentine's Day, I met a wonderful, beautiful young lady who touched me in ways I had never been touched before. I have to say, I didn't really like being touched with the cattle prods, but the wet rigatoni was strangely comforting.

March came with its usual madness, but this time I had the prescription anti-psychotic medication ready. Spring Break, always a joyous occasion, was even joyouser this year as I fathered a beautiful baby boy! Wait, I meant that I UNCLED a beautiful baby boy! The proud parents aren't exactly sure of where the red hair and blue eyes came from, but young Josh is a fantastic new addition to the family. On a completely unrelated note, in the month of March, for some reason, the milkman started wearing a hat and sunglasses. Weirdo.

April showers brought... a complete home makeover! Well, more specifically, I remodeled the master bathroom! Not all of it, mind you, but rather the part that interfaces between the bathing area and the general space of the room. To be concise, I got a new shower curtain. It was blue!

In May, the school year ended, and I made a decision that would forever change my life. I switched from dial-up to high speed internet. E-mails with attachments no longer take half an hour to download, and I don't have to devote hours to YouTube just to watch a 15-second monkey clip.

June began the long summer vacation, and I found myself with a lot of free time on my hands. To keep busy, I began a little research project, and I'm proud to say that I discovered three new uses for the peanut! Suck it, George Washington Carver!

In July, I took a trip up to Virginia and DC, where I saw many spectacular things, including Die Hard 4, Transformers, and Knocked Up. I also got to visit with several friends in the area, and I'm happy to report that they are still my friends!

August brought a distinct honor, when an anonymous philanderer named a star after me. I'm not sure exactly where my star is located, but I do know it's somewhere in the vicinity of Uranus.

September threw me right back into the swing of school days, but another awesome opportunity presented itself. Citing the wild success of my groundbreaking novel, Learn Me Good (available online at Amazon.com), the good folks at education.com invited me to join their staff of weekly columnists. I agreed, and the Mr. Teacher column has appeared every Tuesday since. For anyone wondering, education.com has NOT gone under as a result.

October I was a bit of a downer, as my girlfriend of eight months and I parted ways. Unfortunately, she felt forced to choose between her love for me and her love for cheese in wheel form, and I regretfully beheld the power of cheese.

Unseasonably warm, November arrived and set up house. Despite nagging foot, back, and navel problems, I agreed to participate in the annual Turkey Trot with my brother and sister-in-law. Having sufficiently burned off a buttload of calories, I ate until I couldn't feel my lower extremities later that night.

Which brings us to December, the month where I decided to write a lengthy first-person account, chronicling my life in 2007. Beyond that, I got nothing.


I hope that everyone has a very Merry Christmas and a happy new year. Be safe, and we will talk again soon.

As part of my continuing effort to teach my students their multiplication facts, we tackle one new number every week. For instance, we might be focusing on the FOURS one week, in which case the kids would take a test on Friday that quizzes them on all of the facts from 1X4 to 12X4. We would refer to this test as the "fours test." Similarly, there is a twos test, threes tests, etc.

Yesterday, we finished up the week with the number eight. After lunch, someone who used to teach at the school visited, and all of the kids swarmed around her to give her some love and attention. Many of them were very proud of their multiplication prowess, and they told her with glee, "I passed my eights test!"

Now I want you to stop for a moment, and say that phrase out loud, and kind of quickly. You will notice that it sounds like something else entirely to many adults.

I'm just sayin'...

Today, I heard a very interesting declaration from one of my students. We watched a short online video called, "Sock Seeds." Two kids put socks over their shoes then went outside and walked around for awhile in an open field. When they took their socks off, they observed all of the seeds that their socks had picked up. The kids then "planted" the sock in a shoe box filled with potting soil, watered it, and declared that in a few short weeks, they would have a small garden sprouting from the sock seeds.

At the point in the video where the little girl started to bury the sock in the soil, one of my boys realized what was happening and enthusiastically told the child next to him, "That's where they get socks from!"

Off on another tangent, I called the house of one of my students who has not shown up all of this week. Her mother answered the phone, and when I asked about my student, the mother replied, "I thought she was on vacation?"

Um, no.

Ironically, this is one of my best behaved students. So I don't think that she lied to her mother maliciously. However, it does strike me as kind of odd that her mother would just take her word for it, without receiving any kind of notification from the school to verify. Not to mention the fact that she MUST have noticed the school buses continuing to pickup and drop off kids at the apartment complex.

Oh well, maybe she was too busy planting dollar bills.

Today, Ms. Jenn Ed and I held our very first lunch bunch rewards party.

Tired of too many kids not doing their homework, we made a big announcement at the beginning of this six weeks period. We wrote all 41 of our kids' names on whiteboards, and told them that every time someone didn't hand in their homework when it was due, their name would be erased from the board. We told them that after three weeks, whoever's name was still on the board would get to come to a very special lunch bunch with their teachers. There would be ice cream, juice boxes, Turkish delight (no wait, that's Narnia).

We kind of figured that at the end of three weeks, there wouldn't be that many kids left on the board. However, we also figured that if we really pulled out all the stops and made this first lunch bunch truly legendary, that the kids involved would go back and hype it up to the other kids, and that we might have a lot more homework being turned in after that.

That last supposition remains to be seen. But the lunch bunch today seemed to be a success. There were 11 kids (yes, out of 41). Those kids got to bring their lunch back to my room, where we gave them chips, candy, juice boxes, and ice cream. We ate with the kids and joked around with them.

I had made up a Christmas-themed CD for us to listen to. Interestingly enough, the song that really fired the kids up was Feliz Navidad (I want to wish you a Merry Christmas). I started singing "I want to wish ____a Merry Christmas," inserting the names of some of the kids in the room, and much hilarity ensued.

Now will just have to see how this success translates to the other kids turning their homework in.

Maybe we'll have 12 kids next time...

Today's Mr. Teacher column (now up on education.com) is all about homework excuses. At least the kids aren't blaming the dog anymore, but there are quite a few doozies out there. From the ridiculous to the sublime, teachers have heard them all.

Go check it out and leave a comment!

The new big thing this year -- Learning Walks.

The concept behind learning walks is that a group of teachers will invade another teacher's classroom, presumably while said teacher is actually conducting a lesson. This unruly mob of educators will question the students about what they are learning and what tools they have to help them. They will also examine the classroom walls for evidence of the principles of learning. Perhaps at the same time, they will check to ensure that no more than 10% of the surface area is covered by paper products.

OK, so I paint a bit of a sarcastic picture. Ideally, the mob of teachers will not be unruly. Not even a mob, even. A handful of teachers will observe another teacher in his/her own setting, to see another teacher's style and methods.

Last Monday, I was one of three lucky teachers chosen to have a group of principals and teachers from other local schools come through my classroom during a science lesson. To put it mildly, this sort of thing makes me feel very self-conscious. I think that the walk-through went well, and my principal said that the other teachers enjoyed it, but it was a pretty nerve-racking process for me.

Especially when I saw one of the other teachers (principals?) asking my lowest group of kids who normally writes for their group when Mister Teacher doesn't tell them who should write. I'm sure she felt the need to ask them this, since they were busy arguing over who was going to write, instead of actually doing the activity. Not much accountable talk coming from that group.

Tomorrow, I get to be a walkER instead of a walkEE. The third-grade teachers will be doing learning walks through the OTHER two science classrooms that were observed last Monday.

Can't wait!!

Hey everyone,

I am getting ready to send out another edition of my newsletter from Cafepress, where I feature items such as the T-shirts and such seen in the side-bar.

If you are interested in receiving this newsletter, please put your email into the yellow box in the side-bar. The newsletter will be sent tomorrow night (Sunday), so if you enter it afterwards, you'll have to wait until next time.

Thanks!

MT

The Sunshine Committee at my school started a program about 3 months ago called the "Rays of Sunshine Wall." Anyone can write a nice little note to someone else, thanking them or complimenting them on something, and that note will go up on the wall for all to see. Also, both the sender and the recipient get entered into a monthly drawing for a gift certificate.

Apparently, someone has been buying their rays of sunshine at Sam's, because they've been putting them up in bulk.

This month, out of 26 rays of sunshine up on the board (and they're all cute little gingerbread men-shaped notes), EIGHTEEN of them are from one person!!

This person must have had a lot of time on her hands after she stopped terrorizing our first grade teachers...

Anonymous Joe and I have really gotten the morning unloading procedure down to a science. Which is a good thing, because ever since the Classroom Breakfast Club began, we've got more cars arriving at once. But we are very efficient, we get them lined up by the curb pretty quickly and moved on so the next wave of cars can drop the kids off. We still have a few people who try to line jump, but we've done a pretty good job of stopping them when we can and getting everybody in and out in a timely fashion.

Recently, though, we've encountered one lady with a serious attitude problem. Early last week, there was a car parked directly in front of the school, right underneath the sign that says clearly, "No Parking." Besides being illegal, this car was making the whole drop-off process VERY difficult.

So I went back inside and asked the lady in the office to make an announcement over the loudspeaker, asking this person to move their car. A few minutes later, this lady comes plodding outside, totally ignores AJ when he asks her not to park there anymore and points out the sign, and moves her car over to the other side of the street.

Being the gentleman that I am (snicker), I walked across the street, ready to hold up the stop sign and allow her to cross back over. She had parked about 15 feet away from the crossing area, and she was just standing by her car (in the street, of course), waiting for the traffic to go past. When I called out to her and told her that she should come down to where I was so I could get her across safely, she just stared at me like I was some weird alien fungus. And then she proceeded to walk across the street from the spot where she was.

Idiot.

This morning, she and her daughter must have crossed the street when we weren't looking, because the first time I saw her was when she was trying to cross back over to her car on the other side. She had walked out of the school, straight down the path to the sidewalk, made a 90° turn, and then walked down about 15 feet so she was even with her car. Again, she was standing there, waiting for the heavy traffic to pass her by.

Foolishly, I again tried to use reason with her. I said, "Ma'am, it's safer if you cross down here, where we can get you across."

She replied by yelling, "I'll cross where I want to cross!"

Boy, she sure showed me!

To be honest, I really don't care about her. If a car hits her, I have a feeling the car is going to sustain more damage than she will. I'm more concerned about her poor daughter, who has no choice but to cross the street where her mother dictates. Hopefully nothing bad will happen to her just because of a parent with pride issues.

Breaking news from London --

A 27 year old French dude has broken a "human calculator" record by calculating the 13th root of a 200 digit number.

Just let that sink in.

200 digits!

The 13th root!!

French!!!!!!

Personally, I'm not sure I would be able to calculate the 13th root of any number even if I had a calculator. Unless the number was 10 to the 13th power, then I might be able to beat someone from France.

According to the article from Yahoo, "Like an athlete, he trains his brain daily for the far harder task of finding the 13th root of 200-digit numbers."

Is anybody else out there fearing world domination if this guy were ever to team up with hotdog eating champion Kobayashi???

Today's Mr. Teacher column over on education.com is all about the obesity crisis that is affecting American kids. I have had classes before where I can actually feel a difference in gravity when I'm around them.

Head over to the site, and weigh in with your opinion. Pun intended.

I should state up front that I'm really not a big fan of the movie Napoleon Dynamite. I will admit that it has about five laugh out loud hilarious moments, but in my ever so humble opinion, those moments are strung out across an incredibly boring two hour movie.

Nevertheless, I had a Napoleon Dynamite moment in class today.

The kids were in groups discussing animal traits, and I was walking around listening to them and observing. At one of the groups, one child told another group member, "It's in the book." That student responded, "It's in the book, gosh!"

It also occurred to me that my science homework assignment from Friday was very Napoleon Dynamite-esque. It was titled Mixed up Animal Traits, and the kids had to choose a mammal and draw what it would look like if it had traits of a bird, a fish, or a reptile. So I had some drawings of little kids with scales and fins, a whale with wings, and a bear with gills.

But thankfully, no ligers.

This past Monday, we began serving our students breakfast in the classroom. Before this, kids had gone to the cafeteria to eat before school, so that when they arrived at our rooms at 7:45, we could begin the instructional day.

Now, when the kids get to school, they go to the gym and wait until 7:45. At that point, we pick them up, take them to our rooms, and begin serving the grub. The idea is that this is supposed to curb or terminate tardiness issues. I mean, who doesn't want to eat in the classroom???

After a week of trying it out, I have to say it's not as horrible as I had anticipated. At the very least, I haven't noticed any bugs in my room as a result. I am, however, losing at least 15 minutes of instructional time every day. I used to get the kids started on their opening word problem the instant they walked in the door. Now, we don't begin our day until around 8:05.

One perk is that teachers get to eat what the kids are eating. So I have enjoyed eating the yogurt/Pop Tart/honey roll/fruit loops along with a milk and juice.

I do feel like we're throwing away a lot of good food, though. Every kid has to take a breakfast, because that's how we get our Title I funding, but a lot of them don't finish it, and some of them don't even start it! It's the same way with lunch, though, so I guess that's par the course.

Also, since I have crosswalk duty every morning until 7:45, and then I have to go into the front office to use the usually-functioning biometric clock, I am frequently one of the last teachers to pick his kids up from the gym. Add to this the fact that I am unwilling to spend any more time than I have to on breakfast. So my kids have to eat pretty darn fast!

The most annoying thing about it is that I have one student who always makes a mess at his desk. His napkin always remains neatly folded inside the plastic package, while a puddle of chocolate milk and/or enough graham cracker crumbs to choke a zebra sit on his desk. When it's time to throw the trash away, he just throws it all away and makes no attempt whatsoever to clean up his mess. I always have to get on his case about it. Maybe I should start bringing in a rubber baby mat with the Teletubbies' picture on it until he gets the point.

Anybody else going through the breakfast in the room program? My understanding is that all of Dallas ISD is going to be trying it. Share your comments if you can.

In the latest example of poor filtering by the Dallas Independent School District e-mail system, our inboxes have been flooded with messages that have the subject, "I need pantyhose and soup cans for fabulous Friday."

My first reaction was, "Well, who doesn't?" But then when I realized that I didn't recognize a single name of the 30-odd messages with that subject line, I decided not to open any of them and see what it was all about.

This new strategy by spammers and pranksters almost makes me more tolerant of the bogus e-mails that we typically get. I mean, as I was the leading all of those pantyhose messages, I was almost tempted to actually open up the e-mail that said, "Santa will bring more length and strength to your Willy!"

Almost, I said.

Has anyone else been contacted about "Fabulous Friday??"

In other news, this week's Carnival of Education is being hosted by Joel over at So You Want to Teach. Surf on over and check out the great links.

Howdy folks! Once again, Tuesday is upon us, and you know what that means! Another Mr. Teacher column on education.com!

This week, I go over some things that might be considered appropriate and inappropriate when it comes to gifts for teachers. This is mainly referring to gifts that come from the students, but it certainly could apply to gifts from adults as well.

On the topic of great teacher gifts, don't forget to check out the following sites as well (although I'll be honest, the descriptions might be a tad misleading)

The Cure for Cancer!

Millions of Dollars per second!