Ladies and gentlemen...wait..I take that back. It should be everybody, each, or all of you. Otherwise, you won't pay attention, according to the indispensable training I received yesterday.

It's also important to tell students to close their eyes and imagine things, to promote "covert" learning. I once taught a college writing class next door to a teacher who was forever making the students close their eyes and touch hands. Within a week, half of his class transferred into mine.

But I digress. When you teach, think "IRAQ."---that's Information, Response by students with feedback, Activities, and Questions. Then don't forget "TEMP"---that's Time, Expectations, Materials and Proximity. Without IRAQ and TEMP, you will be lost.

Also, don't ask individual students questions anymore. That's ping-pong, and that's bad. Instead, ask "everybody." Have them put their thumbs up for yes, down for no, and pointed sideways if they don't know. That way you'll be able to guage the understanding of the entire class.

You're assuming, of course, that all kids answer honestly, which every teacher knows they invariably do. So if they all say "thumbs-up," they understand, and you need not review anymore. (Review is bad.) If your question is not of the "yes-no" variety, I suppose they'll have to put those thumbs elsewhere.

Finally, have the students ask each other questions. That's volleyball, and that's good. They will surely benefit from the trust you place in them. They're young adults, eager to learn, and they must express themselves whenever they feel like it. They know where to steer the conversation. You, on the other hand, are incapable of independent judgment and need to be instructed how to do everything.

And you'd better get it right, because if you get it wrong we'll set you up with a mentor, who will not review (that's bad), but reinforce (that's good).

Thank goodness the city spends millions on these activities rather than squandering tax funds on useless frivolities like good teachers and small classes.

Due to several horrified comments today at work, along with one here, I've agreed to post no more photos of rotten teeth. I apologize in advance to all the dentists who stumbled across this blog in search of a challenge.

There's a lively discussion over at Ms. Frizzle's place about the best ways to treat student athletes. In her school, kids have to earn points for the privilege of playing. That's a good idea, but systemwide, standards are certainly lower.

I have great respect for coaches who demand academic performance for their kids, and outright disdain for those who help them avoid the consequences of failing in school.Our school soccer team, for years, was run by a guy who'd get athletic scholarships for talented athletes, ignoring the fact that they had no chance whatsoever to graduate.

He used to come in my classroom uninvited, this aged, greatly overweight, baseball-capped, whistle-carrying character who could no more play soccer than fly, demanding I release students who did no work whatsoever in my classes. Upon my refusal, he'd tell the players to take the bus, promising to delay the game for them. Upon the principal's receipt of my letters of complaint, he denied this in writing. The principal would quietly tell me she agreed with me. Hopefully, she wasn't telling the coach the same thing.

Kids with good coaches can learn far more than just sports. Also, if you have a kid passionate about sports who's not doing well in your class, there's no motivation quite like a talk with that kid's coach.

I had a great, talented baseball player in my class. At some point, he started slacking off in his schoolwork. When I spoke to his coach, the guy asked permission to speak to the kid. He then dragged him into the hall and read him the riot act, leaving no doubt that no matter how talented he was, he would not be playing baseball unless he passed English.

That's being a coach, a teacher, and a positive role model. They should have cloned that guy when they had the chance. With Bloomberg in charge, that's never gonna happen.

Stewie, the British-accented, diabolical, football-headed little tot from Family Guy is going to have his own talk show on the internet later this year.

First, Family Guy is brought back from the dead, and now this. Could Futurama be far behind?

It probably could. Hope springeth eternal, though.

If you wish to keep your child away from the bootless and unhorsed, private schools are certainly the way to go.

However, if the bootless and unhorsed were ever to find their way into the private schools (which, for various reasons, they will not), the supposed advantages of private schools would cease to exist.

Much-ballyhooed private school teachers would be predictably clueless in dealing with the general population. Also, without public schools, there would be no place to put all our kids. Wealthy, tax-cut craving right-wingers who cry endlessly for vouchers are well-aware of this, and would not hesitate to dump the undesirables out on the street. It makes good economic sense. NYC could be the next Bombay or Rio, and tax-cut savings could be used to erect tall fences.

Why not? Their kids don’t attend public schools anyway. Rudy Giuliani wanted to force welfare recipients to work in public schools, reasoning that people chronically unable to find work were adequate role models for kids like mine, who attend public schools.

All things being equal, this study shows little benefit for private and charter schools other than de facto segregation. Those who don't wish to hear the results, like the government that commissioned the study, can simply ignore it. That’s what GW’s government tends to do with inconvenient facts anyway.

Shame on this country for turning its back on public education for so long. Shame on politicians who promote vouchers, knowing full well they don’t give a damn about kids like those I teach.

Actually, there's no evidence of that. But a large scale study suggests that public school students with comparable backgrounds do as well or better in math than those attending private schools. Furthermore, the study indicates no benefit for those attending charter schools either.

Government representatives vow to plod on with vouchers and charter schools regardless, citing the need to spend as little as possible on public schools in order to place less pressure on Steve Forbes' tax bill, as well as the importance of disregarding data that fails to support the preconceptions of their constituents.

So I may as well conclude charter schools rot your teeth.

Uncharacterically, it was this parrot.

An unfortunate computer programmer found out his girlfriend was cheating on him when the parrot kept repeating her paramour's name.

The broken-hearted computer programmer dumped both girlfriend and parrot in one fell swoop. You can't tell lovers anything.

That's what you get if you work for Unity. Plus you get two pensions: one from the DOE, and another from the UFT.

Didn't you wonder what that dues increase was paying for?

The UTP has made a film about it. Go watch it right now!

Here's a comment Norm (Norm Scott, I suspect) left in response to my post on Mike Winerip's column about Jeff Kaufman:

What was really left out of the story on Jeff Kaufman was that he was doing an incredible job defending the teachers at Rikers as their chapter leader and that is why the principal wanted him out.

Then there's Jeff's relationship to the UFT where he has served as one of 6 dissident Exec. Bd members (out 89 total) and has been a thorn in the side of the leadership. They have undermined the people that took his place when he was sent to the rubber room.

His colleagues still consider him the duly elected chapter leader. Not surprisingly, UFT leaders don't see it that way. There's lots more to come on this story.

Don't forget to keep us informed, Norm.

A male student in Hasbrouck Heights, NJ, has won his battle for the right to wear a skirt to school.  The American Civil Liberties Union helped the student negotiate an agreement with the school.

A Brooklyn custodian has been taken into custody, due to a nasty habit of planting cameras in bathrooms. He was charged with planting them at a friend's house, but was also in possesion of over 1,000 tapes made in the bathrooms of Brooklyn Tech and Westinghouse high schools.

The Department of Education "plans to fire him."

Blomberg and Pataki are still pointing fingers at each other over who, exactly, is shortchanging the kids of NYC. It's important , of course, is to have a good scapegoat.

Pataki, hopelessly running for the Republican presidential nomination, is promising a $500 tax credit to all NYC parents of public and private schoolchildren. Way to buy off the populous, Governor George!

Meanwhile, NYC's 1.1 million schoolchildren can go to hell. Or to school, such as it may be.

An anonymous commenter and I have finally hit on the ideal solution to the ever-troublesome problem of underfunded education. Why not combine it with a profit-making activity that will soothe those who complain of school taxes? That way everyone will be happy.

We'll combine schools with Wal-Marts. You would still give classes, of course. But while kids are answering questions, instead of pretentiously fiddling with your glasses, you could fold a few sweaters. Perhaps while lecturing about manifest destiny, you could be mopping a spill on aisle 3.

And the kids? Why should they slide? Once they finish the assignment, they could get out of their chairs and help a few customers. We've been very lax in socializing these kids, and what's more valuable than real-world experience? Times are tough, and kids have been riding the gravy train way too long anyway.

We could call them "Sam's Schools," as the anonymous commenter suggests, and increase productivity all around.

Is that a win-win, or is that a win-win?

Klein's minions received a 5% increase for 2004-2005, according to the Daily News. He was roundly criticized by UFT President Randi Weingarten for doing so without imposing productivity increases.

Ironically, Weingarten's Unity patronage mill just voted themselves pay raises, along with vague, unverifiable talk of productivity increases.

(via reality-based educator)

In the NY Times today, Mike Winerip writes how Jeff Kaufman got sent to the rubber room for the unspeakable crime of trying to help his students. Kaufman works at Rikers, and was charged with "undue familiarity," though nothing generally regarded improper behavior was alleged, and no one seems to doubt his good intentions.

In addition to being a teacher, Kaufman is an ex-police officer, and a lawyer for the indigent. He's also heavily involved with ICE-UFT, where his writing can often be found.

Charter schools are all the rage nowadays—they’re now, they’re wow. But do we need more of them?

Well, Mayor Bloomberg thinks so. So does Governor Pataki. Of course these are precisely the same folks who’ve been having a sandbox battle over who should pay to bring decent schools to NYC’s 1.1 million schoolchildren.

“Not I,” said Governor George.

“Not I,” said Mayor Mike.

A 2004 study by the AFT indicated that public school kids scored higher on all-important tests than charter school kids. And the US Department of Education came to the same conclusion.

It seems to me that fixing public schools is far more important than expanding charters. That’s job no. 1. If charters are to be expanded, however, they ought to be just as accountable as public schools.

A recent Times column suggests that we should focus on the quality, rather than the quantity of new charters. I couldn’t agree more.

Well, you'll doubtless be overjoyed to hear that someone's finally doing something about that awful liberal bias in the universities. Andrew Jones, and alumnus of the University of California, wanted to pay students to surreptitiously tape-record lectures by university professors, and thus expose their insidious views.

Unfortunately, this appears illegal, so Mr. Jones will have to rely on volunteers. It's good that Mr. Jones is willing to take on this task. With liberals dominating the media, the Senate, the House, and the Supreme Court...wait a minute...why are we doing this again?

My biggest problem as a teacher is the all-too-direct connection between my brain and my mouth. It's been causing me problems since I was a child, and while I've made some improvements, I'm not quite where I'd like to be. If I'm not 100%, I don't come to work. If I did, I'm sure I'd say something incredibly offensive, stupid, or both.

I have more sympathy than I should for kids who can't control their mouths because I understand exactly what they're going through.

In any case, as Chaz reminded me, "corporal punishment", in NYC at least, may entail "verbal abuse" or "damaging the self-esteem" of a student. To further emphasize that point, here's an anonymous post I received today:

I came back to school after being out sick, and the students were misbehaving, my lesson plans were not followed by the sub, and I still was sick as a dog.Later that day some children returned late to class and I was upset with them and raised my voice.

As a result, they reported me and now I have a verbal abuse letter in my file. My very first letter ever in over 20 years of teaching.

Sometimes situations are not taken into consideration. It didn't matter I came back to school sick as a dog with little sleep because I wanted to get them ready for the ELA.

Moral: Not feeling well--stay home! No one cares if you made the effort to come in sick.

Too bad Unity frittered away our right to grieve those letters.

There's quite a lot of pressure on teachers and kids facing that ELA exam. I know because my kid just took it. I really appreciated her very pregnant teacher coming in and working very hard to help her pass. She and that poster did better than I could have.

I am. And you are.

Actually, Willie Horton was a dangerous criminal, trotted out by George Herbert Walker Bush and Lee Atwater to frighten America.

He’s not an altogether handsome guy, and you’d probably hesitate to invite him over the house for spaghetti. But what message was George Herbert Walker Bush sending when he plastered him all over America on TV ads?

There's the standard message of fear, of course. And if you’re inclined toward racism, fear was not quite everything. But nowadays, racism is no longer as chic as it once was. Bob Dole, in fact, renounced it directly at the 1996 Republican Convention.

Then he started trashing teachers. Teachers, correctly perceived as mostly liberal, are very convenient targets. How many of them vote for Republicans anyway?

Moreover, education is supported by taxes Steve Forbes needs not pay. Just last week, John Stossel did a hatchet job on education and teachers in America, and that may mark the beginning of open season on all of us.

In 2004 it was homosexuals and “defense of marriage.” It’s still, apparently, socially acceptable to discriminate against gay people. How on earth will prohibiting gay marriage defend anything? Wouldn't it be more productive to rail against divorce? Or adultery, perhaps?

Well, I suppose as teachers, we'll just have to share the mantle with our gay friends. Perhaps they could be Willie and we could be Horton.

Here's a little toe-tapper entitled "I Got Friends with Low Wages."

Learn all about Garth's deal to market his music exclusively through Wal-Mart.

Learn why working people in this country need to organize despite government-sanctioned union-busting activities brazenly embraced by Dick Cheney's favorite company.

And that's our lesson for today, boys and girls. There may be a quiz tomorrow.

(via Miss Cellania)