My colleague, Ms. Bright, had an unfortunate run-in with a bakery product yesterday.

She was teaching her class when something hit her in the ankle. She looked down, she looked out the door, and for some reason she happened to recognize the special ed. student who threw the thing at her.

She went to the special ed. office and told them, "Brian threw a muffin at me while I was teaching."

"You'd better write it up," they told her.

"Will there be any consequences for Brian?" she asked.

"Probably not," they told her.

"Then I'm not writing it up," she said.

But the folks in special ed. did indeed talk to Brian. In fact they brought him by her classroom to explain.

"That lady is a liar, yo. I wasn't eating a muffin this morning. It was a bagel."

"Brian..." began the special ed. dean.

"No, it's true. I wasn't eating no muffin. It was a bagel."

Clearly Ms. Bright had perpetrated a grave injustice against this young man.

....is up and running over at Dr. Homeslice's place.

Don't miss it!

It's cute on TV, I suppose, but real life can be more complicated than a taxi ride and a camera following you out of the Donald's office.

Joe Williams of The Chalkboard, in a fit of nostalgia, recalled a link to a post I did last year about bad teachers. It got picked up by Joanne Jacobs and a few other blogs, and it's been getting hundreds of hits over the last few days. As it happens, I wrote the very next day about good teachers, but that didn't generate half the buzz the first one did.

Lots of people read pieces about bad teachers and ask, "Why can't we fire them?"

It's a pretty good question. The answer, of course, is you can certainly fire them. That assumes, of course, that someone in the system wants them fired (I no longer labor under that particular assumption).

"Why is it so difficult?" they ask.

It should be difficult because you're proposing to deprive people of their livelihoods. Would excellent teachers get fired if those who directed schools could just do whatever the hell they liked? It certainly appears so.

This blog has an infrequent commenter who visits, asks the same questions on this topic, ignores the responses, and returns to ask them again. Last time I didn't bother responding, having done so just two weeks ago on Edwize.

He had written to protest Peter Goodman's defense of a teacher who was facing termination. An administrator had asked Mr. Goodman how he could represent that particular teacher. In fact, there was not one iota of evidence presented to suggest the teacher was guilty. However, the poster, ready to fire him regardless, suggested this:

Your anecdote with the “How can you represent this guy?” line is telling. How can teachers get the respect they deserve if people can ask this question and your only response is to blame others for a bad hiring decision?

It's certainly problematic for working people when people ready to condemn us with no factual basis whatsoever get their way. They ask, "What about the kids?" Well, I have a kid, and she's going to have to work one of these days. I'd like to know she'd get a vigorous defense if she were ever charged with a crime. I'd also like to know she wouldn't be fired based simply on the caprices of some troglodyte boss somewhere. I'd hate to think she'd end up bound by the ever-changing whims of a leader like Mr. Bloomberg.

My response is below:

I think it’s an important point that we don’t hire teachers, and it’s equally important to note that we have nothing to do with granting of tenure either. Pointing fingers at us is disingenuous.

It’s the union’s job to represent its members. It’s as simple as that. That’s what they’re there for. The notion that anyone facing removal from a job does not merit a vigorous defense is un-American.

Those who are so quick to condemn Mr. Goodman for doing his job ought to know that this city has had many, many opportunities to hire more selectively and has balked repeatedly, choosing to lower standards, establish 800 numbers, and conduct multiple intergalactic searches to fill those ancient wooden chairs.

I don’t believe in hiring bad teachers, or granting them tenure. But neither I nor the UFT has any say in those matters.

As for the comment being telling, I take strong exception to that, and those who’d stereotype teachers are bigots, plain and simple. There’s a school of thought that working conditions are bad in this country, and there’s a certain amount of truth to that.

To make the conclusion that we will somehow improve things by worsening conditions for teachers is nothing short of idiotic. All workers, not just teachers, deserve protection and due process.

We should be working to improve the lot of working Americans, not worsen that of teachers.

In Florida, if I recall correctly, only what the powers that be determine to be the top 10% get merit pay. It appears Santa Rosa County's teacher of the year, Nicole Mayhew, may not qualify.

Apparently whatever Ms. Mayhew did to earn that title does not coincide with the Florida merit pay laws. Perhaps she now regrets not spending more time falsifying student papers, which could have earned her a cool two thousand bucks. More likely she regrets not taking a job in Georgia, where she could have made a much cooler five thousand bucks without jumping through the hoops Governor Jeb Bush left for her.

The biggest problem with merit pay is that it isn't really used to augment salaries, but to artificially depress them. Joel Klein loves merit pay, not because it rewards extraordinary teachers, but because it will allow him to continue hiring from the bottom of the barrel. He can then say the teachers stink and continue to pay them sub-par salaries--and if anyone doesn't recognize that as his goal, I've got a bridge in Brooklyn for a very attractive price.

The union also contends performance pay is premature until Florida teacher salaries become competitive with other states and professions. FEA spokesman Mark Pudlow said Florida’s average $42,000 teacher’s salary is $6,000 below the national average and trails neighboring Georgia by $5,000. Performance pay advocates have challenged those numbers, citing benefits, beaches, balmy weather and other amenities that make Florida attractive. Pudlow counters: “It’s real difficult to get a mortgage on sunshine.”

And in NY, much of the time we don't have even that. Nearby suburban schools still pay 10-20K per annum more than NYC, and they still get hundreds of applicants for each position. The city, which has declared the end of the teacher shortage, is lucky to get a handful. If the city really cared about quality, it would work on increasing that pool.

But there's nothing bad about bad teachers for Mayor Mike and Uncle Joel. They make a fine scapegoat, and help him divert attention from what's really wrong here. I don't know if they still keep unqualified teachers at a low salary step, but NYC did so for years, making them very attractive and cost-effective.

Needless to say, that's not how you put children first.

There's nothing quite like a good school to improve a neighborhood. We value nothing more than our children, and it's great to know they've got a good place to go right near home.

Of course, if you have billions of dollars, you can charter a helicopter and send your kid virtually anywhere. That's one reason why Mayor Mike closes neighborhood schools without a thought about how it will impact the community.

Inconveniently, the city council is not yet directly chosen by Mayor Mike. Its members, who must be elected by the communities they serve, are getting a little uppity. Until Mayor Mike can remedy this with further mayoral control, they're liable to continue asking impertinent questions.

"As much as the Department of Education touts the success of new schools (which has yet to be determined)," interrogated Flushing's John Liu, "who is determining the impact on existing, neighborhood schools?"

Before Josh Thomases, the DOE's chief academic officer for new schools, could finish answering the question, Liu was interrupting him. "That's obfuscation," he accused. "That's a numbers game. You expect us to just swallow what you give us. We want real info."

In the face of this barrage, Thomases relented, conceding: "We have not fully assessed it."

Mr. Liu found this odd, as Mr. Thomases was surrounded by multicolored charts showing the alleged successes of the small school program. This goes right to the heart of the Bloomberg "reform" agenda, which is this---try any damn thing, hope for the best, and consistently claim it's a huge success. If facts don't support your claims, make up new ones.

If it doesn't work, try some other thing, hope for the best, and claim to be reforming the reform. And as long as you're in the process of "reforming" you can dump kids anywhere (regardless of their needs), let anyone teach anything to anyone under the most squalid conditions, send children all over the city, build new schools on sites unfit for human habitation, and reserve the best facilities for charters and private schools.

Few will notice, mayors all over the country will try to follow in your footsteps, writers from Newsweek will sing your praises, and not even the president of the teachers' union will oppose your bid to renew mayoral control.

Pretty sweet deal.

Unless the papers continue to report the truth (they have begun, at least) and folks like John Liu help them along. God help Mr. Bloomberg if writers from Newsweek ever bother to research what actually goes on here.

Thanks to Patrick

One of the biggest draws in real estate is a good school. One person who knows that very well is Hillary Blumenthal-Levy. She paid 1.16 million dollars for a three bedroom co-op in Manhattan, and neglected to budget for private school. It didn't seem necessary, since both her real estate agent and the Department of Education website said her sons would be guaranteed access to PS 290.

Turns out, though, she's on the wrong side of the street, and the website was incorrect. She's suing the broker, claiming she specifically requested a place zoned for this school.

The Education Department acknowledges that a function on its Web site allowing people to determine school zones by entering an address is not able to give accurate information when the home is on a street that divides one zone from the next.

"We are working hard to address this issue, and we have included a disclaimer on our Web page," department spokeswoman Debra Wexler said in a statement. "If parents are looking at school zones as a factor when buying a home, we strongly encourage them to contact either the school or our Office of School Enrollment Planning and Operations before making a decision."

Wexler added that Blumenthal-Levy's apartment on the north side of E. 87th St. is in a "lottery" zone where kids are placed in upper East Side schools that include PS 6 and PS 290.

In a city where a highly rated public school can bump up a neighborhood's real estate prices, brokers will be stunned to learn that the Web site they count on for school-zone information isn't always accurate, said Della Leathers of Prudential Douglas Elliman. "This is pretty scary," she said. "I would have thought you'd be pretty safe relying on the Department of Education."

Welcome to Mr. Bloomberg's New York, Ms. Blumenthal-Levy

James Monroe High School has a new scoreboard after half a century. Unfortunately, they haven't been able to get it in the building.

The 14-foot sign doesn't fit into Monroe's ancient doorways. They don't make schools like they used to.

And in Mr. Bloomberg's New York, they don't make new ones, unless they can find contaminated tracts of land unsuitable for anything else. Perhaps Mr. Bloomberg thought he could squeeze the sign in just as he squeezes 4500 kids into a building designed for 1800.

It turns out, though, that metal is less pliable than children. Public school kids will fit just about anywhere. You just need to put screens on the classroom windows so the excess doesn't spill out onto the streets, where business may be being conducted.

Anna Nicole Update: Still dead.

Britney Update: Still bald, but increasingly insipid.

If not, I'm gonna have to move it.

I'm not saying the mysterious South is perfect. Last night, my daughter obliged me to stop at the ugliest diner on God's green earth, with a group of people who matched it perfectly. And there was a condom machine in the men's room, so someone is entering that joint and feeling lucky.

The whole southern concept of breakfast seems to depend a lot on grits, which don't much resemble food. Waffle House and Huddle House, two identical chains of dark, greasy, cramped breakfast joints, seem to draw customers from everywhere.

On the other hand, here in the USA, where we produce the best music in the world, some of the very best musicians are hidden in the mountains around Asheville, NC, from where I'm writing this.

But there's no need to come that far if you want to see real southern wisdom. In Virginia, people are starting to defy NCLB. It seems they've determined it's unfair to give the same tests to people who don't speak English.

A hundred years ago, people used to routinely give IQ tests to non-English speakers, who were often classified as mentally retarded. This was due to a failure to factor in the reality that these folks didn't speak English. Now, with a hundred years of progress behind us, we no longer label non-English speakers as retarded. We simply say their schools are unacceptable and need to be closed. Oh, and their teachers, like me, are incompetent for failing to press a button and make them magically fluent.

What does Uncle Sam have to say? He was unavailable for comment, but Aunt Margaret has little sympathy:

U.S. Education Secretary Margaret Spellings said Virginia is "dragging its feet" and called the testing provision, the law's Standards Clause, a necessary measure to counter "the soft bigotry of low expectations." In a Feb. 4 letter to The Washington Post, Spellings said: "It's time to remember that yes, Virginia, there is a Standards Clause."

Spelling's comments incensed school division officials.

"We're all so angry," said Arlington County School Board chairwoman Libby Garvey. She called the required test a "painful and humiliating experience" for children who haven't grasped English.

Similar disagreements will arise in other states that have many students who aren't proficient in English, said Reggie Felton, lobbyist for the National School Boards Association. The association has asked that the federal education department grant each state flexibility "for real-life situations to ensure that the test is valid and reliable for each student."

In Arizona, where there are many Latino immigrants, school officials also are grappling with testing language learners.

"We believe that English language-learner students come to school with different levels of competency," said Panfilo Contreras, executive director of the Arizona School Boards Association. "They may not be proficient in their own language, let alone English."

That's very true, and it's absurd to blame American schools for this. Also, momentarily disregarding its effect on schools, there's no way such idiotic regulations keep kids from being left behind.

Anna Nicole update: as of this morning, still dead.

Britney update: as of today, still bald.

Here in Cary, North Carolina, housing developments are popping up everywhere. They squeeze those houses out as though they're donuts, and people seem to buy them as fast as they can make 'em. Everything is nice and new.

My niece lives in a brand-new house. It's got four bedrooms, three bathrooms, a granite kitchen and it looks great on the inside. The outside is a little mass-produced for my taste, but what do I know?

"Do you have a new school?" I asked her.

"No," she said. "My school is really old."

Then she showed me her school schedule. It's incredibly complicated--you go one month, you're off another, this week and that week schools are closed, sometimes group A goes, sometimes B, sometimes C, D, and E.

"Why is it so complicated?" I asked.

"Well, the schools are all too small and they can't get enough teachers, so we have to take turns."

I now realize it's not their fault, but mine. Here I am writing about education, when most of the country doesn't really give a damn one way or the other. I'm gonna have to get off my high horse and start focusing on what really matters. Let's see what USA Today is writing about:

First, this morning, all indications are that Anna Nicole Smith is still dead. We'll update tomorrow.

It also appears that singing sensation Britney Spears is still bald. Insider sources suggest this condition is likely to continue until her hair grows back, but caution it may take longer if Ms. Spears decides to shave her head again.

...a great big one, too, is over at History Is Elementary.

We're in Cary, North Carolina, visiting family. The hotel we're in costs sixty bucks a night, with an indoor swimming pool and a breakfast buffet. In the city, we'd be lucky to get coffee for that.

I haven't gotten to see the latest Unity-New Action campaign handout yet, but I got an email saying they claimed the latest contract keeps up with inflation. That's a very strong statement.

First of all, NYC inflation runs higher than the rest of the country. When the latest contract proposal came out, it was running over 5% for the first 3/4 of the year (The contract was 2% the first year and 5 the second). Perhaps the last quarter had a real downturn. I don't know.

Still, last I heard, inflation figures don't include energy prices, and it's hard for me to imagine they're headed anywhere but up. Even if the great minds at Unity-New Action used city figures, and we somehow met inflation at 3.5%, there are still about two years left in this contract.

I'd like to meet the economic experts who've figured, given massive, unprecedented national debt and the highly volatile situation in Iraq and the middle east, inflation won't go up over the next two years. Whatever their basis may be, the 05 contract, despite the unconscionable givebacks, didn't meet cost of living. While I have no access to Unity-New Action's highly sophisticated calculating mechanism, it's very doubtful that this one will either.

The proud Unity-New Action tradition of little or no real contract negotiation results in second pensions and patronage jobs for some (to wit, those who lead Unity and New Action) and more work for less pay for most.

It's no help at all to us, The Help, who work for a living.

But there are certain obligations attached.

So whatever you do, don't miss Miss Cellania's take on New York.

Last week, our trailers were closed due to the weather. We were sent into the auditorium, where a show was being put on. Before the show, a bunch of kids next to my class were shouting and making a great deal of noise. I walked over and asked them to be quiet.

One of the students responded by shouting in my face. I asked him for a program card. He said he didn’t have one. I asked for ID. Again he claimed not to have it. I told him that if he couldn’t identify himself, I’d have him removed.

The kid produced nothing. I called a nearby dean and had him escorted out. I had to write up the incident.

5 minutes later, the kid was right where I’d left him. As it happened, the principal came in and took a seat very close to him. I watched him get up three times to speak to them, and the third time he dragged up a very large security guard who hovered over them, as though he might do something. Naturally, I hoped there wouldn't be any confrontations.

After the show, I went to the dean’s office to ask why the kid was sent back.

“I told him to go back,” the young woman told me.

“Do you know what that means?” I asked her.

She didn’t.

“It means there are no consequences for his actions. It means he can be insubordinate to faculty members, then walk right out and do it again.”

She responded with a vacant stare that would have depressed me if it were coming from one of my students.

If she ever has kids, they’ll be the ones at the supermarket howling until she buys that box of Oreos.

Two of my favorite bloggers, Mamacita and Ms. Cornelius, have nominated this blog as one that makes them think. Mamacita has instructed that I must do the same, and that's enough for me. I'd put both their blogs on this list, actually, but you can already find them above.

1. April May is funny and perceptive, and of late has been posting translations of what it means when parents and administrators say things. I really enjoy the humor with which she colors everything, and the universal nature of her topics. If you're a teacher, you shouldn't miss her.

2. Schools Matter is on top of every "innovator" looking to experiment with our public school children. Nothing gets past the critical eye of Jim Horn.

3. Anonymous Educator is cynical and outrageous. I haven't got the faintest idea how much (if any) is truth, and it makes no difference to me whatsoever. I can't stop reading this character.

4. Get Lost Mr. Chips is clever and surprising, and though Mr. Lawrence has become more serious of late, I never miss it. I also like Graycie at Today's Homework, who's smart and perceptive, and more passionate about English grammar than anyone has a right to be.

5. A couple of NYC teacher blogs I don't miss are EdNotes Online and Pissed-Off Teacher. Though EdNotes is more political, and POd more personal, they both lead me to similar conclusions about the school system.

6. My favorite political bloggers are reality-based educator (another NYC teacher), with whom I almost always agree, and the Prof at Right Wing Nation, with whom I almost never agree. I find myself hanging out with the right-wing history teachers where I work, and while we don't see eye-to-eye on GW Bush, we share almost exactly the same view of hizzoner Michael Bloomberg.

They tell me if I run for Congress they'll go out and work for my opponent, but if I ever decide to run for Chapter Chairperson I'll have their full support.

7. The Education Wonks may have started this whole teacher-blogging thing. Ed has boundless energy and a great eye for quirky education stories.

8. Two blogs I like immensely (despite the fact I frequently disagree with them) are Eduwonk and The Chalkboard. They're both clever, lively, and well-written.

9. I'm fond of Mrs. T. (no relation to Mr. T., as far as I know) at Chucheria, who has a sense of humor and isn't afraid to use it.

10. And finally, I always read Chance at Sapient Sutler, who's got a very quirky view of everything, an absolute necessity in anyone who aspires to be a teacher.

I apologize for going way over 5, for cheating and inserting 2 blogs here and there, and most of all to the many bloggers I neglected to mention. Feel free to register your complaints and vehemently demand apologies.

Pissed-off Teacher has interior photos of the trailers in which NYC kids study.

Check 'em out.

Cardiac wards all over the city are working overtime as unwary New Yorkers succumb to massive shock. Mr. Bloomberg has suspended the parking tickets he'd issued during and after the snowstorm.

"I don't understand what the fuss was all about. I simply had the chauffeur garage the limo," Mr. Bloomberg said. "It's common sense to garage the limo on a day like that, and I don't understand why my fellow New Yorkers didn't do the same."

"However," Mr. Bloomberg continued, "This act of forgiveness shows I am a regular guy, the sort of guy who lets the chauffeur park the car at a meter."

When asked whether the chauffeur had parked on the street today, Mr. Bloomberg had no further comment.

California Teacher Guy has been on a poetry kick lately. I like his stuff very much and suggest you take a look. One of his poems reminded me of another I like. It's simple, and I wonder if my students would understand it as a cautionary tale.

Incidentally, if you're the guy in the picture on the left, I don't recommend you begin with this one:




Oh Yes

there are worse things than
being alone
but it often takes decades
to realize this
and most often
when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than
too late.

-Charles Bukowski

Security guards are not what they used to be. In our school, we had an entire group of them at one time. Everyone knew them and they knew everyone, kids included. One day someone decided to disband our little force and send them all over the city.

Now, they come, they go, and no one knows from one day to the next who they actually are. Worse, no one is sure what they actually do.

Kids walk up and down the halls wearing hats, talking on their cells, and listening to their ipods. Security guards watch passively. They don't ask why they're in the hall, and they don't ask why they're violating school rules. At a recent meeting, I heard an administrator say, "It's like we have a dozen extra kids wandering the halls."

A few weeks ago, while on my hall patrol, I saw three security guards standing in a corner, while a chronic truant huddled with them discussing God only knows what. I approached the kid and sent her to class while the guards continued their chat.

Why do they watch? Well, I'm told it's because they want to avoid confrontations. If they were to say, "Hey, kid, take off the hat, put the phone away, take those things out of your ears, and go to class," the kid might have a bad reaction. As we all know, bad reactions are bad.

It's different for teachers, apparently. I would not hesitate to say any or all of those things to each and every kid in my class. And the fact is, such remarks may indeed cause confrontations.

But by avoiding them in the hall, they're letting the kids know rules don't matter. And frankly, support like that is worse than no support at all.

Boy, those wacky Edison Schools vets are certainly beloved by Mayor Bloomberg.

The Education Department has hired the former head of a tutoring company that was slammed last year for "bribing" students and allowing people with criminal records to interact with kids.

Joel Rose, the former general manager of the Newton Learning company, was hired last month as the $149,000-a-year chief of staff to Deputy Chancellor Christopher Cerf, school officials said.

Mayor Bloomberg, while building ballfields for rich kids on your dime, has determined folks who hire criminals to tutor your kids aren't so bad. After all, how can ex-Edison employees do their thing if they can't have their peeps around?

It's Children First in Bloomberg's New York. That means first we take care of the rich people's children, then we take care of their parents, then we take care of their cronies, and the rest of the kids get their schools closed down, which is fine, because we've stopped their bus service to economize anyway.

The deal to give Randall's Island to a bunch of rich kids turns out to have been illegal, but the Mayor plans to make it legal sometime in the future, so everything is fine.

And, to serve you better, Mayor Bloomberg didn't waste city money cleaning the streets many of us had to drive on yesterday, but gave you a ticket if you didn't dig the slush off your car and move it yesterday. After all, we have laws in this city, and there must be immediate consequences for non-billionaires who defy them.

Mayor Bloomberg has succeeded in his plan to give away 66% of the public ballfields on Randall's Island to wealthy private schools, via a no-interest 20-year loan (a fact that seemed to escape the NY papers). He's done so with the full blessing of city Controller Bill Thompson, who had previously objected.

A lot of teachers, myself included, had thought that placing Democrats in key positions might be helpful to city schoolchildren, teachers, and working people in general. Given Mr. Thompson's support for this plan, I no longer think it's that simple. Take a look at Governor Spitzer, who'd promised to lower class sizes, but now makes it a menu choice, along with longer school days and years, both of which we already have in NYC, and neither of which has much helped anyone.

Perhaps Governor Spitzer can credit Bloomberg and UFT President Randi Weingarten for already having instituted this plan, what with their having negotiated the longest school year in the area already. Then, Mayor Bloomberg can get the extra cash without frittering it away on those troublesome CFE demands (good teachers, small classes, and decent facilities).

Also, take a look at how Whitney Tilson on the pro-voucher blog Edspresso loves Governor Spitzer's approach. Why on earth do you suppose Randi Weingarten loves it too? Spitzer's running for president, and so is Ms. Weingarten. We'd better line up some real allies, or New York City's kids may soon need to run as well. Where?

Nassau, where I live (because I couldn't afford the area in which I work), looks better every day, and while I'm beginning to wish Suozzi had beaten Spitzer (I voted for Spitzer in the primary and the election, hoping he'd follow CFE's recommendations, rather than "reform"), I'm glad we still have Suozzi here.

My kid's school is excellent. Why? It has good teachers, small classes, and decent facilities. That seems to work, but it's not what I'd call a "reform."

Politicians like "reforms." I don't much like politicians today, though.