Since being an ATR I have been trying to put my best face on and do what I have to do with a smile. I go into every school and every day wanting to do the very best that I can. But at times it can be difficult.

At times it seems like I am living in some type of time warp. That feeling was prevalent when I returned last December from my suspension realizing that I had been out of the classroom, and a school, for 2 1/2 years. It was like I was returning from the dead or had been in some type of extended cryogenic stasis.

Things were so new. I been besides the fact that the teachers I have been seeing were suddenly a lot younger. Or maybe I had just gotten older. But there were more Smart Boards, more tablets, that transparency thingy that shows stuff on the Smart Board. It was whole new world.

Gratefully, I have, or it is starting to look like I had?, (OK, I am going to get grief for the question mark and the comma. I am sorry!) a background in educational technology so I was able to pick up on the technological aspect rather quickly. But one bugs me.

It's the lack of availability of relevant professional development.

Yeah, Mondays are nice. But most of the PD's I have been blessed with being in attendance don't, in my opinion, lead to practices of best teaching. Mostly these PD's deal with data, motivational readings, etc.. I, and I am sure many ATR's, want something we can really sink our teeth into.

Why can't ATR's when we are assigned to a school get time with all the consultants that come in to do training with the staff? Why can't ATR's be made aware of the latest methods, insights into reading, writing, math?

There are schools that I have been at that have had a week of Teachers College consultants come in to spend an inordinate amount of time with staff. Are ATR's invited? I haven't been.

Where are the workshops for Go Math that would help me familiarize myself with this curriculum?

Wouldn't having more knowledge of the latest curriculum of the moment better serve ATR's to assist us in getting permanent positions?

What about being sent off-site to PD? It's a no go.

Yes, I understand that there implementation difficulties involved, but.

Why then can't the the DOE make available off-site to ATR's by borough after school, on Monday's (Hey we are stating late anyway)? Yeah, they might have to pay training rate or per session, but hell, back when I was a staff developer we had this! We had after school staff development in which teachers showed and were interested in learning something new.

At the very least, our union, our UFT, the people we fork over $100 a month to should make the PD the teachers in the schools are having, what the teachers in our districts are learning available to all ATR's. Or does this count, because there ain't much there. Same lack of quality here.

ATr's can't and shouldn't be treated as an afterthought when it comes to best practices of teaching. We are invited to the dinner, but we don't get the entire meal. Just a taste.

 All of us get lost in the darkness/Dreamers learn to steer by the stars/All of us do time in the gutter/Dreamers turn to look at the cars--Peart, Neil 1989

I have this habit of waking up at 5 AM and checking my phone for the latest emails and news. When I clicked on the NY Post app on my phone I saw and read a story about Jeanene Worrell-Breeden, the principal of the Teachers College Community School had killed herself back in April on the same day that someone at her school reported her she had cheated on the standardized tests.

The first thoughts on my mind, as well as condolences, go out to her family and friends. This was a needless, senseless death that never should have been. She is someone's wife, mother, daughter, grand-daughter, niece, friend, principal, teacher, etc... No one has won here except Governor Cuomo and Chancellor Fariña.

As I lay in bed thinking of this, my thoughts went back five years to a teacher in Los Angeles, Rigoberto Ruelas, a teacher that suddenly found himself ineffective due to a Los Angeles Times reporter, Jason Felch becoming the story and not reporting on the story. Rigoberto after he was outed by Felch, committed suicide.

I know there are some out there who no matter what would see this death as some type of vindication towards their goals but I do not. This death if nothing should bring all educators in New York City and New York State closer together and fight as one against the marauders of education in Albany and at Tweed. For whatever Ms Worrell-Breeden has been accused of doing it did not happen in a vacuum and was completely avoidable.

The pressure from Albany as well as from Tweed to more or less tie everyone's job, their pay, their  own self worth to whether or not that person can be the next coming of someone's fantasy teacher that only exists in the movies is an impossible ladder to climb for almost anyone. God only knows what was going through Ms Worrell-Breeden. Not only to allegedly cheat, but worse, once confronted with this information, to jump in front of an oncoming B train and kill herself.

This sick, unrealistic method, test, test, test, punish, punish, terminate, embarrass, ostracize, method of educating children and evaluating teachers must end and end soon or we will have many more Jeanene Worrell-Breeden's.

Last Sunday night we were in Corning NY and had dinner with another couple. The wife, who I won't mention, is very prominent in BATs and the AFT. Both her and her husband on two of the most real people I have ever met in my life. In the many topics of discussion that evening we touched on what teachers need and what can or should be done for them.

There are false prophets seeking false profits preying off the backs of teachers that are down to their last act of strength in fighting back against the same forces that Jeanene Worrell-Breeden was fighting.

What support are they given? "Oh here, this is how you file this." Or, "This is what you do when this happens to you." Maybe they get a, "You need to do this." But this is the simple advice.

Now mind you I am all for fighting back and blowing the whistle. But the trick that I learned so long ago is not everyone when they need to fight back can or wants to.

Sometimes the best thing one can do is just to be there. Someone to be there for that teacher to have a shoulder to cry on, someone for that teacher to vent to, someone for that teacher to divert their mind from their troubles. I doubt Jeanene Worrell-Breeden had someone like this. Or someone who could tell her she could have fought back. But the trick between being supportive and being one who can lead someone to fight is a fine line and one must have the EQ to know what is the difference and which one to use.

Teachers and principals are sick if this. Yeah, I said principals. How about this? Educators are sick of this pressure. If we, not them, but WE, do not start supporting one another the best way we can for each and every educator and stop from projecting our ways of settling old scores onto them we will be just as guilty to their emotional and physical demise as the powers that be in both Albany and Tweed.

False hope needs to end immediately to teachers walking the precipice. The testing pressure, the culture needs to end.

The whistleblower did the right thing. For some reason Ms Worrell-Breeden thought she was doing the right thing. But neither of them are to blame for her death. The people to blame are the ones hiding behind the dollars and the sense of self-importance and self-righteousness they have.

I do not want to hear of anymore educator suicides. Enough is enough.

It will and can get better.

Imagine if you are a mommy and one day you drop off your son at school. As you leave him and head to work, thoughts of his learning, exploring, and creating are going through your head. You smile as you arrive at work with those wonderful thoughts still in your head.

As you walk into your job you dream of how much school means to the future of your son. You want him to have a love for learning and for school, something that can, and should last a lifetime. But then one day things change. For the worse.

Today, the Daily News reported that the KIPP Star Washington Heights Elementary School on W. 177th St two young boys were detained into "tot cells" to cure their behavior. According to the Daily News, these rooms (The size of a small closet) had a single mat, a single light and a window 2x3 feet in the door (seems like something out of a Viet Nam War prison camp). The students were left in there for 15-20 minutes.

Oh, these two boys were FIVE AND SEVEN YEARS OLD!

Teneka Hall, mother of one of the boys said;

“He was crying hysterically...It’s no way to treat a child.”

On December 3rd her son Xavier had to be rushed to Columbia Presbyterian Hospital because he wet himself and his panic attack was so severe, that that EMS was called.

Another boy was detained a dozen times since September for acting out in class.

What did these boys do to deserve such barbaric treatment? They didn't clap in proper cadence?

Now we all know the militaristic tone of KIPP. I have seen it first hand in which students must sit with their backs at a 90 degree angle. That they must respond in a cadence, and where there is any show of individuality it's hit down with a hammer. But this is just too much. Who would suggest such a thing?

Psychologists suggested such a thing. Who are these psychologists and did they actually evaluate the students? If so, were the parents informed of the evaluation, and then, did they give permission? According to KIPP spokespeople, "...they only sent children to the room when their safety became an issue and they discussed using the tactic with the kids’ parents, who approved it.