- My twin brother was diagnosed with autism at age 2.
- He will need assistance with things throughout his life.
- I know I'll have to take care of him in the future, so I worry about having kids.
When my wife and I discuss having kids, we have to be realistic that our future looks different than most people our age.
We consider factors like what kind of parents we'd be, the climate crisis, and whether we could even support a growing family in this economy. But there's more than that for us.
My brother is autistic
My twin brother, Jon, is a lot like me in many ways. He's endlessly funny, perseverant, and hardworking. If he has a goal, he will achieve it. He's passionate about his interests. I don't know anyone with such an in-depth knowledge of the Marvel universe.
Jon is also autistic — he received an early diagnosis at 2, and he's worked hard to become the person he is today. From a young age, I've known that Jon would need support throughout our lives and that someday, when our mom is gone, it'll be up to me to ensure he has the successful, happy life he deserves.
Jon attends an adult day program. He can work with assistance for a limited time span and attends activities in his community with friends. In many ways, his life is much like that of any adult: He goes to work, socializes, comes home, and watches TV or reads.
But he'll also always need assistance to ensure his day goes smoothly. He cannot drive or fill out important paperwork, and he might not be able to convey that something is wrong when he isn't feeling well. He needs reminders and help with day-to-day tasks, including laundry, brushing his teeth, and cleaning.
These aren't downsides to being Jon's brother. It's his reality, as it is mine. Jon will always need assistance to live his life, and I'm at peace with that, but it can be hard to explain it to other people.
Our families want us to have kids
My wife's mom has made it clear she's hopeful for grandkids. It's not a surprise — my wife and her mom are both educators, so they're hoping for more kids to dote on.
She's made subtle comments and even asked us if we'd have any use in the future for the childhood items she'd saved from my wife's younger years.
We've mainly tried to deflect or avoid the conversation. The reality is that we don't have a solid answer. We've talked a lot about having kids but haven't made any decisions. The idea is scary — as a struggling 23-year-old, it's hard to imagine a financially stable future where I could be a good parent.
But my future is also intertwined with my brother's. I don't know when I'll become Jon's caretaker — it's painful to picture a future where my mom isn't around. But I know that there will come a time when she won't be able to provide the care Jon needs. When that time comes, I'll be financially responsible for ensuring Jon can attend the program he needs and have a safe living situation.
I've never held a position where I was paid more than $20 an hour. My wife is a preschool teacher. She loves her career, but neither of us is exactly rolling in dough. Planning a future for a child is out of the question unless we get into vastly better financial circumstances. We can keep our fingers crossed, but family comes first — and my brother is no exception.
