You've reduced the word count with that edit, but you've also lost some texture. The voice and texture of Patrick's writing contribute greatly to its being so absorbing... there's no point in trying to turn a Melville into a Hemingway.

My advice to Patrick would not be to change his style, which is clearly very effective, but to also throw some shorter update emails into the mix so people can keep tabs with less of a time investment if they so choose.