Many writers rely more heavily on pronouns than I’d suggest is useful. For me this sort of thing comes under the heading Remember that Writing Is Not Speaking. When we talk, we can usually make ourselves understood even amid a flood of vague “he”s and “she”s. On the page, too many pronouns are apt to be confounding. I’d strongly suggest to the point of insistence that you avoid referring to two people by the same pronoun over the course of a single sentence; to be frank, I’d suggest that you avoid it over the course of a single paragraph. (I know a few authors of same-sex romance novels who are regularly driven to tears by this sort of thing.)
Tightened up:
Pronouns can be overused. Writing is not speaking. When we talk, we can understand who's who amid a flood of "he"s and "she"s. On the page, that's confusing. Best to avoid referring to two people by the same pronoun in the same sentence. (Same-sex romance novelists struggle with this.)
Who, besides the guy himself, says this guy is the "Internet's copy editor in chief"?
What you have gained in brevity, you have lost many times over in tone, pace and depth.
The author's repetitions are not errors - they highlight his insistence. Additionally, despite ample pronoun use, his text is clear and illustrative of his point.
Same. The edited version loses the author's voice - which is what good editing is not supposed to. And the aside about same-sex romance authors goes from a personal anecdote to a general statement. Personal anecdotes are more entertaining.
I don’t even prefer the first sentence: The “I’d suggest” is completely redundant. The rest of it is more difficult to read and parse than the GP’s version, while the pacing seems slow and the path through the content muddled. To each his own, I guess.
- Pronoun overuse bad. Write don't speak. When talking, many pronouns understandable. Not on paper. Avoid same pronoun for multiple people (same-sex romance especially difficult).
Or how about another:
- Pronouns bad. Write don't speak. Can speak many pronouns, not write. Same pronouns, multiple people? No. (Same-sex romance especially)
Making something shorter or "tighter" isn't necessarily better. Word count isn't everything.
Brevity may be the soul of wit, but that implies there's still wit left. There's lots of writing effects that can be lost through overediting, or following the "rules" too closely.
This is not intended to be a flame, but your example there, reads like a staccato-enamoured teenager mumbling into his bowl of fruit-loops in the morning, or alternatively, like you're reading back notes you copied off someone's powerpoint slide during a presentation.
Half of that is neither grammatically correct, nor complete sentences, and there is limited implicit or explicit relation or flow between your dot points.
I bought Benjamin Dreyer (the author)'s book on writing style, and the arrogant title of his book alone should have been a red flag. I'd strognly recommend On Writing Well instead.
Many writers rely more heavily on pronouns than I’d suggest is useful. For me this sort of thing comes under the heading Remember that Writing Is Not Speaking. When we talk, we can usually make ourselves understood even amid a flood of vague “he”s and “she”s. On the page, too many pronouns are apt to be confounding. I’d strongly suggest to the point of insistence that you avoid referring to two people by the same pronoun over the course of a single sentence; to be frank, I’d suggest that you avoid it over the course of a single paragraph. (I know a few authors of same-sex romance novels who are regularly driven to tears by this sort of thing.)
Tightened up:
Pronouns can be overused. Writing is not speaking. When we talk, we can understand who's who amid a flood of "he"s and "she"s. On the page, that's confusing. Best to avoid referring to two people by the same pronoun in the same sentence. (Same-sex romance novelists struggle with this.)
Who, besides the guy himself, says this guy is the "Internet's copy editor in chief"?