To the people who responded to what I wrote, thanks. I think both views are right in a way. I don't even think that the disagreement here is a real disagreement it's just different ways at looking at things. There's truth in both. Well there is to me because seeing what was written after I posted was actually helpfully. There's things I've haven't considered before in those responses.

Just another note, someone else I know lost parent long before I did, they said "yeah sorry it took about ten years before I was ok with it" I didn't believe him at the time. He was right!