The worst part about all of this has been the many scenes I saw on Monday that caused flashbacks to memories of 9/11. Nothing I saw Monday compares to the horror of being with friends waiting to find out that yes, their parents had died in the WTC. Even seeing blood and police everywhere steel feels abstract.
I am relatively certain that I won't be fearful (or at least I hope so). I just hope passing by the scene will not cause an emotional response that I can't hold back. Most weeks I pass by the spot a dozen times or more, and I don't want to unconsciously play a game of "what if" every time I'm there.
It's hard to predict the emotional response you might get - nothing is for certain until you are there. Right after 9/11 I was numb, but I didn't have a major response going back to our offices. My company at the time shut down not long after and I started working in midtown. It wasn't until the year anniversary that I decided to take a different route in to work, just to go by the proceedings down there - my emotional response was bad - I went to city hall park and sat there, reflecting for a good half hour before I could continue to work. I remember vividly an elderly woman coming and sitting next to me to make sure I was ok.
It takes time. The "what if" feeling is an awkward one to deal with - but instead of worrying, live life to the fullest. That "what if" will always be there for so many other reasons.
I am relatively certain that I won't be fearful (or at least I hope so). I just hope passing by the scene will not cause an emotional response that I can't hold back. Most weeks I pass by the spot a dozen times or more, and I don't want to unconsciously play a game of "what if" every time I'm there.